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Emerald39

Emerald39

Member Since 13 Jan 2016
Offline Last Active Jul 21 2017 10:29 PM

#1753677 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 20 June 2016 - 05:43 AM

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He turns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs."

The doctor replies, "I know. I amputated your arms."

 

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent. 

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall; one turns to the other and says, "Dam."




#1748791 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 14 May 2016 - 04:49 AM

Nice; speaking of Kermit, here's a great one: 

 

If you have a green ball in one hand, and a green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.




#1745546 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 25 April 2016 - 02:09 AM

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck? 

One can stick the bill up its arse. 

 

A young lawyer had just opened his firm, and was waiting for someone to enter. He saw a man enter the firm, and so as the man walked in, the lawyer pretended to be on the phone, talking about successful cases and incredible praise. When the door closed, the lawyer said, "How can I help you?"

The man said, "I've come to connect your phone."

 

A Pope and a lawyer die, and both go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter gave the lawyer a luxuriant mansion all for himself, and gave the Pope a poorly-conditioned apartment with a roommate. The Pope was displeased by this, and so he approached St. Peter and said, "Why did that lawyer get a mansion, and I didn't? I'm more religious than he is."

St. Peter replied, "Well, we've had over a hundred Popes, but that's the first lawyer."




#1744456 Let's Make a Story Together!!

Posted by Emerald39 on 19 April 2016 - 09:56 AM

#21

The boy shrugged. "I don't know, remove some of the energy from the image?"

Vincent clicked his fingers at him. "Exactly. By draining that energy from the capture, you thereby weaken the boundaries of the dimension, allowing for time-flow synchronisation and the freedom of the raven. Now, you do have the sketch of that, right?"

Auror nodded. "Of course."

He pointed to the canvas, with the charcoal image etched onto it. Vincent smiled. "Excellent. Well, what are you waiting for? Free the bird; I'll hold the paper for you."

With that, the old man assumed a stance similar to a karate master, and held the image out to the boy. Auror placed his hand on it, and tried to imagine drawing out the raven from the capture, like a fisherman drawing out a trout from a lake. Suddenly, the image glowed, and a small sphere formed above it; from there, a bird call could be heard echoing. Without hesitation, the raven flew straight out of the forcefield-like orb, and into the sky; the sphere then receded slightly into the capture, adopting a more elliptical shape. 

The boy didn't know what to say. "What is that?"

Vincent pointed at it, placing the paper horizontal to the floor. "That's your dimension. It's got looser boundaries, but if you loosen it further, it can encompass the space that mine can. You are quite a fascinating case; you took my own power to the next level. I will need to investigate this further; so, for now, get some rest."

With that, he ushered the boy to bed, then collapsed in the chair next to the table. "This is bad. If he can do this with my power alone, he could cause further chaos with other powers that other artists have. I need to keep him safe...but if necessary...I might...need to...kill..."

*

The same figure was watching them again. It chuckled at the news leaked by Vincent. "So, that boy can enhance powers, eh? Looks like my plan will need to be accelerated further; I cannot afford to lose an asset like him."




#1744269 Dreams!

Posted by Emerald39 on 18 April 2016 - 09:51 AM

Once, I had a dream where I was a young kid, and my friends and I had found an old ship sitting in the bay at night. For some bizarre reason, we decided to row out to it and investigate the inside, scouring degraded wooden corridors and creaky rooms. Eventually, we reached a large back room, with a coffin sitting in a blue glowing circle. For some reason, we decided to enter the ring and open the coffin, which resurrected the long-dead captain and caused us all to scream in fear. We then all split up and run, and I ended up tripping and being eaten alive by the zombie pirate captain...That was it, 'cause I then woke up with a racing heart. 

 

I can't remember any of my other dreams, and the only other ones that I still remember are just dreams where I watch my novel characters interact with other fictional worlds. 




#1744252 What superpower do you ALREADY have?

Posted by Emerald39 on 18 April 2016 - 08:03 AM

This might sound weird, but I'd say that my creative power combined with my mild autism from my Aspergers is my superpower. With it, I can easily visualise almost anything, at any time, and develop it into some sort of complicated and emotional journey. Sure, it does mean that I get easily distracted and I'm a bit socially awkward, but I consider that a small price to pay for ultimate creativity and development within a private mental realm. 




#1744004 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 16 April 2016 - 08:14 PM

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by.

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey. 




#1743743 Let's Make a Story Together!!

Posted by Emerald39 on 15 April 2016 - 10:41 AM

#8

The boy wondered how something like this was possible, but wasn't too worried about it at that moment. He turned back to Tracey, and noticed her most famous sculpture. "You still have your artwork in here? Hasn't there been requests to display it in the galleries?"

She laughed. "Of course there have been requests; I've got twenty sitting in my mailbox. But I would still like to sleep in it every once in a while."

Aurora laughed. "Indeed. You're still the mad Miss Emin that I remember. So when will the canvases and paintbrushes be ready?"

She pondered this for a moment. "I'll have them all ready by tomorrow. Come back then and we'll sort out payment."

He nodded. "Sounds good. I'll be back tomorrow; tell Felbart that I'll pick up his stuff tomorrow as well."

Tracey gave me a thumbs up. "No problem. See you tomorrow."

*

Night had descended upon the cottage, and Auror was out in the extensive fields that surrounded the tiny house. He was staring up at the moon, pondering. How cold that be possible? Why would I be gone for six years, but only remember one? Is it one of Vincent's powers? I should ask him. 

As if on cue, van Gogh walked out of the dwelling and saw him in the fields. The bearded artist walked up behind him. "Would you mind if I took a seat next to you?"

Aurora patted the grass next to him, flattening it. "Not at all; won't you join me for some stargazing?"

Vincent took off his straw hat and lay down next to the boy. As they stared into the vast cosmos, van Gogh turned to him. "Can I show you something?"

Without hesitation, he pulled out a paintbrush, already covered with paint, and held it out to point at the sky. Then, like a curtain being drawn, he painted the sky with his own brush strokes, full of spirals, dappled colours and flowing aura. Auror gazed at it in admiration. "Wow; that was amazing."

He laughed. "That's an artist's power for you. You know, one day, I hope you will be able to show that kind of skill to me, assuming I live long enough. I know I might seem harsh and uncaring about you, Auror, but I'm not; on the contrary, I'm just trying to give you more motivation. Every day, your presence makes me feel more alive, and I can finally smile again thanks to you."

The boy blushed. "Thanks, Mr van Gogh."

He laughed. "Call me Vincent."

Auror suddenly remembered the whole time-passing thing, and so inquired. "By the way, sir, why does it seem that time is different here than anywhere else?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

The boy explained. "When I was buying the supplies, Miss Emin said I'd been gone for six years; but I swear I've only been your apprentice for one."

Vincent sighed. "I thought this might happen. Your exposure to my radiating artistic power has distorted your time; I guess we'll need to simply adjust to this. Remind me to look into that tomorrow morning."

I nodded. "Sure thing, Vincent."

*




#1743500 Monologues

Posted by Emerald39 on 13 April 2016 - 08:34 PM

Spoiler

 

The next person, you are a philosopher, and you're trying to convince a large audience why they shouldn't completely trust in the gods. 




#1742516 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 08 April 2016 - 09:14 AM

Okay, apologies in advance to any Christians: 

 

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley. Suddenly, two men jump out of the shadows and proceed to sexually assault them. The first nun turns her head to the sky and says, "Forgive them, O Lord, for they know not what they do." The second then turns her head to the sky and says, "This one does."

 

Two nuns are riding bicycles down a cobblestone road. One says, "I've never come this way before." The other says, "Me neither; must be the cobbles."

 

Sister Kate walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a bottle of whisky.

The bartender says, "What do you need a bottle of whiskey for?" Sister Kate replies, "It's to solve Mother Emily's constipation."

Understanding this, the bartender gives her the whiskey and she walks out. 

Later in the day, the bartender is walking through the park when he spots Sister Kate, who is sitting on a bench with the whiskey bottle half-full.

He walks up to her and says, "What are you doing? I thought you said you were using that to fix her constipation." She replied, "I am; when she sees me, she'll shit."




#1741634 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 04 April 2016 - 12:58 AM

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam". 

 

A dwarf mystic escapes from a jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. 

 

A dyslexic walked into a bra. 




#1740328 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 29 March 2016 - 11:49 PM

Okay, here are some ones that require a bit of thinking and some sadism: 

 

A horse walks into a bar. Many people got up and left as they realised the danger of the situation. 

 

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender is surprised by this, until realises that he is dreaming. The man wakes up and tells his wife about it; tired, she tells him to go back to sleep. The man then turns over and cries as he realises his marriage is in shambles. 

 

A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart. 

 
Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?
She's dead. 



#1739834 Tell us your jokes! (even stupid ones!)

Posted by Emerald39 on 28 March 2016 - 09:43 AM

Here's an absolute classic from Allen Pease: 

 

Three guys come across an old dusty lantern on the beach. They pick it up and rub the dust off, and a genie appeared. He said to the men, "I will grant each of you one wish."

 

The first guy says, "I wish to be 100 times smarter than I am now." The genie says, "Your wish has been granted."

 

The second guy says, "I wish to be 1,000 times smarter than I am now." The genie says, "Your wish has been granted."

 

The third guy thinks long and hard about this, and says "I wish to be 10,000 times smarter than I am now."

 

So the genie turns him into a woman. 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

BTW @sjoe, don't worry about it. I'm sure original jokes are encouraged, but any good jokes are welcome, I think. 




#1738163 [Original Fiction] The Emerald Writer

Posted by Emerald39 on 21 March 2016 - 10:10 AM

Hey guys, 

This has been a long time waiting. Sorry that it took so long; I've been studying for exams. Enjoy!

 

The Emerald Chronicles

 

 

Chapter 3: Assimilation

Spoiler



#1737560 Let's Make a Story Together!!

Posted by Emerald39 on 19 March 2016 - 09:26 PM

#10

 

I made my way to the edge of town, where a mystic had opened a shop for Tarot card readings. I trusted him more than anyone else; he appeared to be the only sane one in this dystopic hellhole. I entered the shop, and its smell hit me. I've never been a fan of incense, but I tolerated it, knowing that my hope was within. 

 

The mystic walked out from behind a curtained doorway. "Back again, eh? I expected the most. Well, take a seat."

 

I sat down as he shuffled and cut his Tarot deck. He spread it out in front of me. "You know the drill. Choose 6."

 

Following his instructions, I picked out six, stacked them in order and gave them to him. In his usual manner, he cleared the table of the other cards and placed the six in a 2x3 pattern. 

 

He lifted the first one: XVII - The Star. He knew that a tranquil time was ahead of me, and I had hopes for what it might hold. The second card made me shiver: II - The High Priestess. I should look within to find that dark part of my life, but I'm not ready yet. The third: I - The Magician. I do have my fears about the man in the locket; his familiarity makes me shiver. Fourth reveal: XII - The Hanged Man. I was expecting this to turn up; travelling across the country like this has always made me felt in limbo, but at least he is saying I will know to make the right decisions. Number Five: XV - The Devil. This was too true. The deaths within the town were beginning to become like euphoria to me, like a drug-induced haze, longing to hold on to the feeling. The final one, though: XXI - The World. The conclusion's near at hand? My venture's nearly over? Or is it that my fulfilment of this town is complete?