44 replies to this topic

[Bokuboy]

Rules:

 

1. Anyone can post a joke at any time. No need to wait for others.

2. You can post multiple jokes in a single message if you want to.

3. Blonde jokes are okay, as long as they are respectful.

4. HA!! Just kidding. Ignore the second part of #3.

5. Other forum rules still apply.

6. Have fun!

*7. Any joke is fine, they don't have to be original.

 

I'll start the ball rolling:

 

A pirate walks into a bar, with a ship's steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?"

The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

Edited by ROTFLMAOMAGNETS, 08 September 2016 - 12:48 PM.
moved from writers corner

[sjoe]

A computer science student is studying under a tree when another one pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The guy on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’”.

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

 

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This is not my own joke, I've read it somewhere. I hope that's fine.

Edited by sjoe, 28 March 2016 - 05:41 AM.

[Emerald39]

Here's an absolute classic from Allen Pease: 

 

Three guys come across an old dusty lantern on the beach. They pick it up and rub the dust off, and a genie appeared. He said to the men, "I will grant each of you one wish."

 

The first guy says, "I wish to be 100 times smarter than I am now." The genie says, "Your wish has been granted."

 

The second guy says, "I wish to be 1,000 times smarter than I am now." The genie says, "Your wish has been granted."

 

The third guy thinks long and hard about this, and says "I wish to be 10,000 times smarter than I am now."

 

So the genie turns him into a woman. 

 

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BTW @sjoe, don't worry about it. I'm sure original jokes are encouraged, but any good jokes are welcome, I think. 

[Officer Judy Hopps]

My husband's (and new dad's) sense of humor:

I made a belt out of watches once, it was a waist of time!

I bought shoes from a drug dealer earlier, I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

Why didn't the crab donate to charity? Because he's shellfish!

How do you know if Lady Gaga is dead? Poker Face. Po-po-po poker face.

[Bokuboy]

BTW @sjoe, don't worry about it. I'm sure original jokes are encouraged, but any good jokes are welcome, I think. 

 

That's right, Emerald39. Any jokes are welcome. Rules updated!

Oops, forgot to post a joke:

 

One day my ex-girlfriend turned to me and said, "I hope your day is as nice as my ass."

"You'd better wipe, then." I said. "My day was pretty crappy."

[Emerald39]

Time to Allen A-Pease the joke gods again: 

 

A man walks into a bar and sees a hot woman sitting by herself. He decides to sit next to her and try his new pick-up line. 

 

He says, "Hey baby, I want to get in your pants." She replied, "Why? There's already one arsehole in there."

[Bokuboy]

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.

She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."

He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence... then he closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car, and left.

[Emerald39]

Okay, here are some ones that require a bit of thinking and some sadism: 

 

A horse walks into a bar. Many people got up and left as they realised the danger of the situation. 

 

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender is surprised by this, until realises that he is dreaming. The man wakes up and tells his wife about it; tired, she tells him to go back to sleep. The man then turns over and cries as he realises his marriage is in shambles. 

 

A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart. 

 

Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?

She's dead. 

[Bokuboy]

My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

 

There's no such thing as automatic doors... just gentleman ninjas.

 

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

[Emerald39]

I remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. 

He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

 

What's green and has wheels?

Grass; I lied about the wheels. 

 

What do a bicycle and a duck have in common?

They both have handlebars, except for the duck. 

[Bokuboy]

What do you call a man with no arms no legs in the water?

Bob.

 

In a ditch?

Phil.

 

On the wall?

Art.

 

His arms and legs on the other wall?

Pieces of Art.

 

On your BBQ grill?

Frank.

Edited by Bokuboy, 01 April 2016 - 08:54 PM.

[aida]

2 guys talking

A : i always feel so sorry and full of regrets for not listening to what my father words?

B : what did he tell u?

A : thats the problem...i never listened idk what was his words.

[Emerald39]

A man rubs a lamp, and a genie comes out; the genie offers to grant him one wish. The man says, "I wish I was always hard, and could get more arse than anybody."

So the genie turned him into a seat at a public toilet. 

[Bokuboy]

Not many people know this: I can move objects with my mind... if I use my hands.

 

 

My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

 

 

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and a stoned prostitute?

One's a busy ditch.

 

 

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?

Last year's Hide-and-Go-Seek winner.

[Emerald39]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam". 

 

A dwarf mystic escapes from a jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. 

 

A dyslexic walked into a bra. 

[Bokuboy]

Q. What has four legs and an arm?

A. A happy rottweiler.

 

Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."

Veterinarian: "That's okay... he's a Boxer."

 

Best of the day:

Two old nuns with no knowledge of the outside world, recently arrived in America by boat. One nun says that she heard Americans actually eat dogs. The other replies, "That's odd, but if we are to live in America, we should do as the Americans do." The nuns quickly find a hot dog vendor and order 2 dogs. The vendor happily obliges them and hands over two foil wrapped packages. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. One nun stares at it for a moment and begins to blush. She leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part... did you get?"

[Bokuboy]

What do people who live in the arctic get when they sit on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

 

One day a husband comes home to his wife and says, "Honey, if I win the lottery, what would you do?"

"I would take half and leave you with the kids!" She responds.

"Fine." He says. "Here's 6 bucks and the penny I used to scratch the ticket. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

 

When a guy I know told me that lately he'd been crying a lot after having sex, I thought I'd have to confiscate his "Man Card"... but then he told me he was still in jail.

Edited by Bokuboy, 07 April 2016 - 02:48 AM.

[Bokuboy]

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

 

There used to be a dinosaur called "Thesaurus", but it went by another name.

 

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

[Emerald39]

Okay, apologies in advance to any Christians: 

 

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley. Suddenly, two men jump out of the shadows and proceed to sexually assault them. The first nun turns her head to the sky and says, "Forgive them, O Lord, for they know not what they do." The second then turns her head to the sky and says, "This one does."

 

Two nuns are riding bicycles down a cobblestone road. One says, "I've never come this way before." The other says, "Me neither; must be the cobbles."

 

Sister Kate walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a bottle of whisky.

The bartender says, "What do you need a bottle of whiskey for?" Sister Kate replies, "It's to solve Mother Emily's constipation."

Understanding this, the bartender gives her the whiskey and she walks out. 

Later in the day, the bartender is walking through the park when he spots Sister Kate, who is sitting on a bench with the whiskey bottle half-full.

He walks up to her and says, "What are you doing? I thought you said you were using that to fix her constipation." She replied, "I am; when she sees me, she'll shit."

[Bokuboy]

My apologies in advance if anyone finds the following joke offensive. In my defense, I thought it was hilarious and clever.

 

Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pac-Man. For 25 cents, she swallowed balls until she died.