~You're~Cute~I'm~Cute~

I was really sick for about a year. I was in so much pain and I lost too much weight too fast. I had one of those giant old people Monday-Sunday, AM-PM pill organizers because I was on all these different medications. Then I had a serious allergic reaction to one of the pills I was taking, and it took a while to figure out which one it was. So for a month or so I had fat ass Kardashian lips and they leaked pus all the time. I was lucky that I could smear on steroid ointment to get the swelling down in the mornings before I showed up to work, but it still hurt so bad to eat or drink. Then we figured out it was one of the pills I was taking for nerve pain, so I stopped and it fixed my lips but the trade off was that the nerve pain came back. I told them I didn’t want to try any of the alternative medications because I just didn’t want to find out the hard way that I was allergic to the alternative too or something. I just learned to ignore the nerve pain like a mind over matter thing. If I walked to the parking lot from my office and I felt a sharp pain then I’d tell myself to keep walking like nothing was happening.

To a lot of people I suddenly looked great.I had suddenly slimmed down so I got complimented all the time, and I finally got with some one I have loved for a long time so I was smiling all the time. But nobody could see me struggling to sit up at my desk because the nerves in my back were on fire. Nobody could see me struggling to sleep because the nerves in my knees screamed when my legs accidentally brushed each other in bed. I didn’t take a lot of time off even though I wanted to because I didn’t look sick enough, so a lot of days at work were pretty rough.

Then I got dumped for someone else and I just went crazy. I did all this extra shit trying to patch things up. I was so desperate but nothing that I did helped at all, and tbh a lot of it was pretty cringe. People at work were suddenly telling me I looked fucked up and that I needed to go home. And it’s true, when I look back at some pictures of myself after getting dumped, I look busted and messed up. So that’s when I started taking a lot of time off to be emo in bed all day. I thought about killing my self all the time. I had a serious plan at some point but when it became clear to me I wasn’t going to be able to go through with it, I felt trapped. What the fuck is someone supposed to do it they don’t want to live or die? A lot of days I wouldn’t get up from bed to eat so I lost even more weight and I looked even more fucked up. This still has me fucked up even now, I still spend all my time simping over them.

Then at work we were all told that all the accountants at our corporate headquarters were gonna get laid off all at once. There were hundreds of us. At first I was relieved, like I saw it as an opportunity to get a fuckton of severance money, all the stocks they promised to me in writing if I had “stayed until the end” would finally be transfered to me, and I could stay home and be emo and lazy as much as I wanted. My friends and coworkers started applying for jobs and I just didn’t care and procrastinated. It was both out of laziness and because I just didn’t know what to write on my resume. I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything, so I quit thinking about it and pushed it off. My last day at work was so sad though. People were sobbing, some because they were gonna miss the place and some because they were scared. I really did my best to keep a poker face throughout the team lunch and while I was packing my desk, but tbh I cried a little too for both of the reasons I mentioned before when it came time to turn in my security badge and get the fuck out of there forever.

The first few months of unemployment were great. At that point I had been a few months off all the medications because I felt like they were doing anything for me anymore. My life wasn’t being dictated by that big ass AM/PM pill box anymore, so I could wake up and go to sleep whenever I wanted. I got laid off before thanksgiving so all my friends were free to hang from then until New Years. Then the new year came and passed and so did Valentines Day, and that’s when people started asking me when I’d get a job and I started feeling that unemployment pressure. Money wasn’t an issue because I had saved up enough to last a year of being lazy. But when I thought about how many of us were laid off, I felt kind of sick in my gut because they all probably already snagged all the good jobs while I was at home growing mold in bed and simping over someone that didn’t even want anything to do with me anymore. It started freaking me out so bad I developed serious OCD, so I was acting crazy and fucked up again. I fucked up a lot of interviews and it made things a lot harder for me mentally.

Then i thankfully landed my current job. Up until November it’s been hard as fuck though. I felt like I had stepped into a huge pile of shit because I didn’t realize what a cluster fuck the last accountant had left behind until I actually started. They basically freaked out, stopped doing their work and didn’t tell anyone so all their projects rotted, and then they quit. For months i worked way after everyone else had left, and I was even coming in to work on the weekends because I was trying to do half a years worth of work all at once. It was so hard, there were a lot of times I had to close my office door because I didn’t want anyone to see me have a meltdown. Career wise, getting all this shit straightened out has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and probably the hardest thing I will ever do.