64 replies to this topic

[OchaMeido❣]

Wow, nice, Orcaniil-kun! I love the story so far though I am the worst on remembering the different kingdoms and powers stuffs like those I easily forget
but as they aren't important yet I will read until the confusing part (which will be the climax). I have an feeling I will need to reread some parts when you get there ~Plot and setting is very nice.Also different view from each person~ like the way you italic to indicate their thoughts

Oh, I do only notice two little mistakes.Second chapter: at the very end, the "it's" should be its

Spoiler

It didn't require any heavy thinking. It was obvious this is the one the message was meant for, and when the figure grabbed its head with both of its hands, Lyn heard a sound.

Edited by NyaulaWander, 22 August 2012 - 04:23 AM.

[Orcraniil]

Thank you very much for pointing out the problem at the end of chapter 2, I've edited both posts with it to solve the problem.

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you're enjoying it. The Kingdoms and Factions themselves aren't as important as the individuals, so it's okay if you don't remember some of them. But, so far, we only have the Alsef Kingdom, which Sid had belonged to, and The Holy Sun, a very much religion oriented society. The Oseans' old kingdom won't get too many mentions, simply due to the fact that it's gone. It was destroyed, and the majority of the people taken into slavery.

Edited by Orcraniil, 22 August 2012 - 12:42 AM.

[Frost]

I finally got around to reading this after reading Maia's Dangerous and I gotta say you guys are good!

I like all the characters so far, Sid is an awesome main character especially the whole mystery behind his "other" murderous side. And I like how it shows different point of views, you definitely get more connected to each character that way plus its always fun to read about a character's reactions to something another character did.

The sudden jump in ch. 4 leaves a lot of unanswered questions, what a cliffhanger! lol

Hope you continue this Orcra ,
I really enjoyed reading this,
Frost

Edited by Frost, 28 August 2012 - 06:46 AM.

[Maia]

>O/////O< Thanks Frost.


And I agree, I love the way Orcra writes his story, and the reactions of the characters he portrays.
I'm proud of him because he's gotten more confidence in himself when it comes to this.
Orcra is doign a great job!

Now, Orcra, I want MOAR!!!!

[Orcraniil]

Thank you very much, Frost. I'm glad you liked it, it is very encouraging.

I've had a bit of writer's block, but I'll see what I can do. If I really get into it, there should be a new chapter up tonight.

[Maia]

Heh, looks like you and I were both having the same issue, Orcra.
Hope you get your groove back too.

[Orcraniil]

Edit: Bleh. Blank post is blank.

Scroll down a little more for the actual chapter 5. -.-

Edited by Orcraniil, 29 August 2012 - 04:12 AM.

[Orcraniil]

Chapter 5:
The Hunter

Spoiler

[Lyn]

What awaited Lyn when she returned home was surprising and shocking to her. Or rather, it was the lack of something. The lack of a most likely emotionally and mentally compromised Osean. Lyn wasn't one for being prejudiced, but when she thought about how someone who had just gone through what he had on top of being an Osean wandering through Pligath without anyone knowing who he is. If someone dared say the wrong thing to him, she feared the fate of the person that call him as if he were a slave. This wouldn't normally be something she worried about, as the people of Pligath were generally tough from living off the land. However, when she picked him up after his collapse in the forest she noticed that his body had a relatively small amount of fat. It was mostly hard muscle, built in places that suggest he was not one for physical labor in the traditional sense. She also couldn't ignore the way he had entered the scene that caused his breakdown. His speed and agility was nothing to take lightly.

Oh, crap! What if he ends up causing some trouble for the rest of the people? If someone gets seriously hurt it will be my responsibility for bringing him here!

Lyn grabbed her bow and three arrows out of habit, and as she sprinted out of the front door, the light from a rising sun stunned her momentarily. She realized she had taken her bow and some arrows, but decided that her habit was a good one. If she needed to pacify him, she knew that she wouldn't be able to do it weaponless. Glancing around the area outside her house for any possible clues, she looked into the slightest gap between two other houses and noticed the ground was a slightly darker shade. It was blood. Lyn was scared. It was rare, but the sight of that blood filled her with a foreboding feeling like something had gone horribly, terribly wrong. Rallying her courage before it had completely vanished, she charged down the gap between buildings. Her instincts told her to follow the path that would lead to somewhere out of the way. Somewhere quiet.

Oh no! No no no no no no no no no nononononononononononono!

The sense of urgency rising in her causing her thoughts to descend into an unorganized mess. Coming to a corner that opened up into a small courtyard that was abandoned from general use. Then, she heard a voice she hadn't heard before. It was raw, but there was something disguised beneath it.

"Then, you are going to forget EVERYTHING that happened here. Understand?"

Lyn had no clue what was going on, and didn't peek around the corner to see what was happening, she decided to stay where she was and eavesdrop.

"Y-Yes..."
Came the soft whimper of a woman. It wasn't quiet because it was gentle, but rather out of sheer terror.

"M-Master wanted something, and he t-t-told me to m-meet him here before the sun rose"

This girl sounds like she is on the brink of tears. I don't think I like where this is going...

"And th-then when I got here he told m-me..."
The girl's voice faded away slowly as she tried to fight back tears.

Surprisingly, the male voice took on a gentle tone and said,
"Just tell me what I did when I appeared"

She responded
"He had pushed me against the wall when you came around the corner, blood coming out of the side of your head."
The woman took a deep breath, as she replayed the memory in her head.
"Master called you a bastard, and threatened to have you executed should you interfere. Instead of reacting to his taunts you slowly approached, your green eyes and brown hair became more visible, and he kept calling you all kinds of horrible names and threatening you. When you got too close he let go of me and he threw a punch at you, but you caught his wrist before it hit you."

"He pulled away and started to hold his wrist, staring at you with wide eyes. Then he started yelling, getting progressively louder. He threatened that he would call the town constable to arrest you and have you executed. You moved so fast I almost missed it, and put your hand in his mouth. Then you... pulled his... tongue out."
Taking another breath, her voice had calmed down somewhat, though there was still a hint of fear for her life in her voice, it seemed as though she
accepted the possibility that he would kill her after she finished.
"Master fell backwards and covered his mouth, but he couldn't say anything, then, you stomped on both of his ankles, and they made a strange sound... but, after, you just stood there for a while, staring blankly at the moon. You fell to your knees shortly afterwards, and now you're-"

"Stop. That's enough. I have a rough idea of what happened now."
The male cut her off. By now, Lyn had pretty much gotten the gist of what had happened, and she knew that no one would do such a thing except for a certain Osean who was very unstable.

"So do I."
Said Lyn, as she emerged from behind the corner, looking directly into the corner where the Osean boy was, with the girl trapped between him and the wall. The boy lowered his body, rather fluidly, and pushed off the wall; launching himself at Lyn. Luckily, his movement was slower then the speed he had showed in the forest. Likely due to being caught completely by surprise. Lyn leapt to her left and avoided his charge. In one quick movement she pulled an arrow
from her quiver, which was slung around her hip, and took up a steady firing position, aiming the arrow, not at the Osean’s head, but, at his chest. Lyn didn't know his true speed, so she didn't dare go for the head shot. If his reflexes were good enough, he could probably dodge it. However, there was no way to
dodge a shot to the center of mass at this range.
"Just calm down, will you? No need to get so worked up. You should stop now before you get hurt, and I don’t think you’re so rude as to attack the one who saved your life, am I right?”"

The Oseans eyes popped wide open on hearing these words, and he lowered his head.
"I'm sorry, thank you very much for saving me," he said quietly.

It was easy to tell he was conflicted, and his words were hollow, but Lyn decided she would accept it for now.

Edited by Orcraniil, 07 September 2012 - 06:30 AM.

[Frost]

Ooh Lyn has Sid under control...but for how long? lol, a strong heroine is also really nice.

Great chapter Orcra!

[Maia]

Ooooooh, Orcra, I love it!
I WANT MOAR!!!!!!!

I did however find a few mistakes that can be easily corrected.
I will post them for you in our pm, that way you can fix it. Okay?

[Frost]

Yea I noticed one little thing but looks like your editor Maia has got it covered lol.

[Orcraniil]

Alright, and thank you very much ahead of time. I kinda wasn't paying attention when I was typing it up. That sounds like it could be taken badly, I meant that I was so into what I was typing that I wasn't really thinking about any mistakes, I just kinda got carried away by what I was typing, not that it didn't require serious thought to type. -.-

Edited by Orcraniil, 29 August 2012 - 05:32 AM.

[Lalbutt]

This is aweesomee <3 keep it up^^ and one mistake i noticed

Spoiler

"Master called you a bastard, and threatened to have you executed should WOULD interfere.

I think that was supposed to be "you" not "would"?

[Orcraniil]

This is aweesomee <3 keep it up^^ and one mistake i noticed

Spoiler

"Master called you a bastard, and threatened to have you executed should WOULD interfere.

I think that was supposed to be "you" not "would"?

Oopsie XD

Thank you!

[Lalbutt]

No worries xD

[Maia]

Yea I noticed one little thing but looks like your editor Maia has got it covered lol.

Heh heh heh, I guess in some ways, yeah I can be considered his editor. >^.^<
WOOHOO!!!

[Orcraniil]

I'm glad you guys caught all my mistakes. I'm honestly disgusted with how bad some of the stuff in there was. Ugh...
Still, Thanks for reading, and Thank you to you three for being such a great help. Next chapter might feature a certain princess, and I certainly hope it won't go as bad as this one. *shudders*

[Maia]

Its alright, hun.
It happens to all of us.
I usually have to go back I don't know how many times to edit and re edit my chapters after I have posted them.

[Frost]

haha no probs and everyone makes mistakes, that's why before any book even gets published they have editors to proofread and stuff so no worries just go with the flow and not worry about making mistakes we'll catch the mistakes for you just think of it as your 1st draft >:].

[Orcraniil]

Before I graduated I had plans to develop this story more and seriously spend a lot of time drafting new characters and chapters. It was originally planning to turn it into a book, because It was the kind of thing I wanted to read when I was in High School. However, that idea pretty much went out the window so now I'm happy just to post it up here. This is actually much further then I had in my first draft. It never made it much further then a draft. In fact, the first chapter here is so heavily edited from the first draft that it would be hard to tell they were once the same thing.