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Fenrir2218

Fenrir2218

Member Since 03 Feb 2012
Offline Last Active Jul 23 2017 03:55 AM

In Topic: Writing Challenge

04 March 2012 - 03:34 PM

Sorry spelling isn't my strong suit.

Spoiler


Btw challenge #2 is up in the first post check it out.

In Topic: Hello batoto peeps

27 February 2012 - 07:02 AM

Hello and welcome to... crap where'd the script go... aw fudge it.
Hello... so yeah.. welcome I guess... batoto ftw?
Ok ok ok joking aside its nice to meet you, and well hope to see you in the artsy corner.

In Topic: Writing Challenge

27 February 2012 - 04:16 AM

Attempt to limit; er... it's just 1 page word?


...genius idea... using spoiler... I have some edits to make. Btw good show. Very interesting story.
The reason there preffered short is because its more of a short story prompt not a novel. You did very well

P.S. ...ill get around to posting my story this week. Busy studying for midterms and such...

In Topic: Impromptu poetry!

26 February 2012 - 07:10 AM

Down, down I fall, darkness eternal
Slip, I slip away, darkness eternal
Close, I close my eyes, darness eternal
Sleep, I sleep at last, darkness eternal
Peace, I have peace at last, darkness eternal

In Topic: Simply Writing - Growing through Discourse

24 February 2012 - 11:20 PM

thanks guys, appreciate you taking the time to read it and will welcome any comments / constructive criticism


All in all it was a good read, the material is good, the story alright. Here's an issue i have with the writing, towards the beginning especially in the action sequence there doesn't seem to be enough pauses between thoughts. Take this example:
"C’mon, move that body faster! My attacker feinted left, and tried to catch me off guard on my right, but I didn’t fall for it, instead, I used his own attack against him, slamming him to the ground making the movements for the killing blow."

​I'm not one for spelling or 100% proper grammar but when the sentences don't flow it makes it hard on the reader. Now that I've pointed this out lets attempt to remedy. commas are a useful tool in writing but attempt to keep it 1 per sentence. Just because the sentence stops doesn't mean the flow of the action does. "My attacker feinted left, and tried to catch me off guard on my right, but I didn’t fall for it." This is a good section and can make a powerful impact. If i may suggest using "trying" in place of "and tried" it helps the flow. As for tense it works because its occurring at that point in the past.
Then moving on to the next thought, "instead, I used his own attack against him, slamming him to the ground making the movements for the killing blow." this is another good and powerful section. separating these thoughts helps the flow and makes it less tiring to the reader.
Like i said above its a good story and a very good read. Keep up the good work!

-Disclaimer- I am not a professional writer/editor so my reviews and edits reflect my writing style in a sense. I am not attempting to take over any works just suggesting an alternate template that may or may not sound smoother.