Time passes so oddly when you don't sleep well. My whole perception of time must be based off of a sleeping/waking cycle. I need the sleep, even if it's two hours or so, to create a kind of mental boundary. There, I slept in my bed. That day is over now.
I have the habit of only sleeping in my bed when I'm getting my night's sleep. No napping. I think this sometimes can lead to me being really confused when I actually take a nap in a bed, instead of on a chair or couch.
Anyway. After I got my extension on the paper. I knew I needed to work. I really hadn't gotten that much more time. But I was so worn out. Failure and guilt takes a lot out of you. So does staying up all night. I'm not sure when I ended up going to sleep Friday night. I think it was late, because I stayed in a library vainly hoping I could get work done. I woke up later than I meant to on Saturday. Ended up taking my time in the shower, getting ready, waiting for my hair to dry a satisfactory amount. All the while, I'm aware that I'm whittling away at time I can't afford to waste.
Go to the library, finally. I know I need to work. Need to work. But I don't. I don't know why. Either I'm extraordinarily lazy, or weak-willed, or my ADHD medication would have made my life much easier...Given me the power to ignore the voice that says, stop doing this. Let's do something fun. Let's check skype. What is the weather?
I leave the library when security comes to kick people out, at 2am. Awful feeling. I still had more than half my paper to write. I pretty much knew, after I didn't get anything done Friday afternoon, that I would have to stay up all night again. So I just merely walked to the IT center, which is open 24 hours. It was very quiet then. I sat by a window, hoping that the knowledge that people walking by could see my computer screen and judge me if I wasn't working would encourage me to get things done. But there weren't enough people walking by, and I simply do not care enough about what strangers think of me. I wasted time, gradually starting to take notes to write. Had a skype call. Finally it got to the point where I knew that if I didn't start working, I would not finish.
Then, finally, I could just...do my work. All I've ever wanted to do. Be able to do work so I can move on with my life. It takes a lot to get me there.
I worked and worked and worked. When the time came to submit the paper to the professor, I actually had something to submit. Not my best work, but not something to be ashamed of. Even though the time-frame was horrendous, I still put a lot of work into it. I hope it showed.
I had another assignment, though. I ignored it as if I hoped that everyone else would just ignore it, too. Well, they didn't. Trudged to the library instead of sleeping. Now 32 hours without sleep. I couldn't stay awake long enough to finish reading a paragraph. But still stayed in the library until the intermittent (and involuntary) naps were enough for me to function again. They gave me strange dreams, of good versus evil, of bald clerks defending their wearing of wigs, people yelling for some reason. It was like a whole storyline flashed through my mind in an instant.
Did not get my assignment done. But I'll still try. There's only 100% no hope in a situation if you've given up on it. Otherwise, you never know...