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Heaven's Personality


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#1
JustAPasserBy

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After much contemplation, I decided to post my amateur work here take note, amateur so grammatical errors and such will be present and it might be painful to read but I did try my best. So here's chapter I of my Heaven's Personality. I hope you guys enjoy.


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#2
JustAPasserBy

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I hope someone comments on it at least, to tell if its really bad or somethin :P

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#3
Maia

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Actually, I found only a few mistakes that can easily be overlooked.
I think you have done well, and the structure is very good.
The characters have great personality already.
And it is not hard to follow your story line.
I like it a lot.
Great job!

Keep up the good work.

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#4
JustAPasserBy

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Actually, I found only a few mistakes that can easily be overlooked.
I think you have done well, and the structure is very good.
The characters have great personality already.
And it is not hard to follow your story line.
I like it a lot.
Great job!

Keep up the good work.


Thanks for the comment :D Glad to know, I'm not doing so bad at least :D

Amai Neko l AEC


#5
Maia

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I rather liked it.
I hope you have another chapter soon.
>^.^<

And if you would be willing, please stop by and read Dangerous, Traitor!Coward!, and BlueDelta and tell us what you think. >^.^<

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#6
JustAPasserBy

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Hmm so here's chapter 2 of my series(If anyone is reading) but now, I'll put a little interactive aspect on it. I'll let you guys decide the course of action the protag's gonna take. With a couple choices laid out, I'll give a maximum of 2 days to let everyone vote on the certain choice. The one with most votes wins and I'll write the continuation based on the winning choice. Something like a visual novel right? :D


“…you’ll promise to marry me?”

“Errm.. well..What a question..But y-yeah.”

“Then, let me seal the deal…”

Distant and faded voices roused me from my senses. Before I realized, I was already falling in line. Standing at one of the biggest auditoriums in the world, I awed at the sights in front of me. Rooftops that can be opened at will, the morning sunshine despite looking so bright and hot, didn’t reach us and on the contrary, it felt cool dispersing its rays on us.
Echoes of different chatter prevailed in the building. It was the first day of school and usually this happen but as for me, I felt surprised considering this is the Academia after all. Conduct and Intelligence are their bread and butter here but to see such a normal sight… I felt relieved.

“Students, old and new alike, I welcome you to the Academia for yet another year of expectations and opportunities and most importantly, education!”

As the headmaster spoke about different things, I turn my attention to 9 seats before him. 2 are occupied with Senna and Solace.

“It must be…”

“And now, it is of great honor, I present to you the blossoms of the Academia oh wait, it is not in my position to do such thing. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Student Council President and the Princess of Bliss, Beatrice Bellefleur!”
Echoes of applause and cheer resounded through the building. Being part of the Cielo Tratti and the Student Council, this reception was to be expected I let out a small smile as I look at the President Bellefleur being a part of the student body, I also have my affection.

“Meh. Every year it’s always like this, Cielo Tratti this, Cielo Tratti that. They’re goddesses and we’re peasants but they don’t have to this spectacle every year.”

A dissenting voice but more or less, expected. With the Academia glorifying the existence of their so called “blossoms”, it is normal to have several few who are dissatisfied. The speech of the president went on normally as I hear her plans and expectation to the student body. Looking at Senna who was once I called a boy with a big chest, I can’t really help but accept how much she’s changed into someone fitting of the Cielo Tratti.

“…And lastly, I humbly ask everyone’s cooperation to help me build this school into a playground of knowledge and wisdom. This title as a president is just mere perfume to my name and what I want is to share this fragrance with all of you, to relish the scent of camaraderie between the student council and of the student body!”

“As expected of the Student Council President and the Princess of Bliss.” Those words rolled through my head amidst the near-deafening claps of the crowd. The headmaster taking the floor once more, he said some daily reminders and maybe it was the first day of classes or being overjoyed by the student council president's speech, he gave us a 30 minute break.

“Well, a break’s a break. Now where shall we go?”

[ ] Look for Senna
[ ] Check the library
[ ] Try to borrow a violin at the music room.
[ ] Look at the bulletin board for the clubs
[ ] Get something to eat at the cafeteria
[ ] Go back and stay at the classroom
[ ] Roam around

Edited by JustAPasserBy, 26 August 2012 - 07:56 AM.

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#7
Maia

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Roam around

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#8
JustAPasserBy

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Thanks for the reply Maia :D Although I guess it didn't interest the rest of the community into participating. Oh well, will still keep this up until I get a nice amount of votes and if it stays dead, then I guess it stays dead :P

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#9
Maia

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Awwww, alright.
I hope you get more votes.

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#10
OchaMeido❣

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I will read it when I have time but I saw the poll vote so I will choose :

Try to borrow a violin at the music room~^^

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#11
Frost

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I'm late but...

I liked it! I also noticed a few minor errors in the beginning like an unneeded word or maybe some punctuation marks, nothing major but if you want to know then just PM me or something and I'll tell you what I noticed :].

After the beginning though, it really starts picking up and I don't notice any problems at all, the story is really interesting I like the school setting and the idea behind the school princesses sounds like a perfect setting for a harem/romance story lol.

I agree that it's really easy to read too, it reads almost like a light novel.
And letting the readers choose how the story progresses is pretty cool but I feel that might be giving you extra work lol.
So if you still plan to continue this story I think you should just write it based on how you feel the story should progress but if i were to choose I would also choose:

[ ] roam around

since that option feels the most open

Anyways this was a very enjoyable read and I know its probably too late by now but you have my support too >:]

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#12
JustAPasserBy

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Woooo more votes yay! hmmm so 2 Roam around. So I guess I'll write it that way. Expect the next chapter within the week :D

Amai Neko l AEC


#13
Maia

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WOOHOO!!!!

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#14
JustAPasserBy

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And sorry for the wait guys! I had some PC problems lately so I was not able to write the chapter in time but nonetheless, here's another one going after the winning choice,

[ - ] Roam Around

The winds slowly brushed against my cheeks. Looking by the windows, It took me moments to realize I was spending my time idling around and looking for something interesting. The myriads of students with their camera-perfect smiles and stature, one could say they are indeed the students of the prestigious...

"Academia..."

Passing through the corridors, people eyed me in a mixture of interest and dissent. Getting into this school through the "Intellectia" was no easy task and even if you do get in, its like being placed amongst your own kind, Segregation.

"Hey you!" A voice suddenly called from behind. From her looks, she looks like one of my classmates or rather, one of my kind.

"Ah, an Intellectia I must say, you're quite daring wandering around the Aeviternior floors"

Let me explain. In the Academia, there are 2 kinds classes of students, the Aeviternior, the ones who are chosen by the school's top professors and the headmaster himself. They are recognized by their latent talents and abilities. No one exactly knows how can one belong to the Aeviternior but for sure, there are students who are carrying such title and a famous bunch of them are the Cielo Tratti.

"Pfft."

"Excuse me?"

"Ah, nothing. Just something I remembered."

I can't help but laugh on the thought of Senna being one of the Aeviternior class but it is a funny truth I have to face. Moving on, the Intellectia class are the ones who are chosen by the means of written and oral examinations and strangely enough, Arcanic decryption. I will explain what it is later but if you're not in the tip-top shape into taking these tests, then you can say your Academia admission goodbye.

"So what brings you to the Aeviternior floors?" The girl continued to ask me. Actually, I don't actually know what I'm doing here either. Choosing to roam around the school seemed the best decision I had in my mind earlier and before I knew it, I was here.

"Errmm..I was wondering i-"

"We can't let this discrimination continue!"

A voice suddenly echoed from the my left. Reading the "Student Council Room" sign placed at the top of the door, I wondered if it was Beatrice who was speaking right now.

"An Intellectia shouldn't be here you know?" The girl abruptly said as she took my arms. "People here can sometimes be so merciless...". As we passed through blurs of doors and classrooms, I saw a glimpse of a familiar face and a familiar tug that I remembered from way back.

"Oii..What are you doing here?! Just a minute Solace."

"Okay Princess."

It was Senna who was with Solace. "Sorry, I didn't realize this belonged to th-.". "Geez, don't sweat the details and since when did you care about the rules?" Senna smirked while grabbing my arm.

"Excuse me Senna but I think its best that this gentleman should not stay here long. If the he is found out that's he's from the Intellectia you know what will happen."

"Then, I shall take full responsibility, Azure or should I say, the Princess of Calm?"

Those words suddenly rang through my ears. "Getting tangled with another Tratti? That's all I need but still, there might be some friction going on so I need to assess the situation clearly."

[ ] Go with Azure
[ ] Go with Senna
[ ] Say hi to Solace
[ ] Run

Edited by JustAPasserBy, 01 September 2012 - 04:06 PM.

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#15
Zed

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Interesting, glad i found this when roaming the forums. The way i see this becoming more interesting is by chosing this next step:

[x] Say hi to Solace

But i agree with Frost, you should really just write it the way you feel you should be. If people disagrees, they can write it themselves.

Edited by Zed, 01 September 2012 - 04:30 PM.


#16
Frost

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Great chapter!

It's so hard to choose >.<. it's too much power and responsibility knowing the choice I make can change the course of the story.

I agree with Zed I also choose

[x] Say hi to solace

since it seems to be the less extreme of the choices

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#17
Maia

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Very good chapter, Passer. But, I am in agreeance with Frost and Zed on one aspect. While it worked for the Goosebumps books, the reader being able to choose what happened next, its hard to determine it as the story is still being written, unlike in the Goosebumps. I think you should let your creative mind flow, and allow the story to progress as you want it to, for its your story. Yes, we as the readers are the ones you are trying to entertain with it, but, if our choice is not something you wanted to happen with the story, how can we, the readers, enjoy it if you yourself are unsatisfied with the results? Anyway, thats just my opinion. Otherwise, I still say you are doing really well, and keep up the good work.

that being said, once again, I agree with Frost and Zed. I choose [x] Say hi to Solace.

Edited by Maia, 01 September 2012 - 05:40 PM.

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#18
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Great story and attempt.
As above said, write the story how you like it.
The readers will follow the writer.

[say hi to solace]

#19
JustAPasserBy

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"Hi."

"..."

It was something really unexpected. Amidst Azure and Senna tugging my clothes, I chose to say a simple greeting to the girl infront of us, looking with curious yet serious eyes.

"Oi, Solace help me a bit here?" Senna suddenly blurted whilst looking at her friend with pleading on her eyes. Azure, or the Princess of Calm continued to hold my hand. "I insist Senna, I believe this boy here should go back to the Intellectia floors.". "Eh, why don't you go there yourself then? He is currently under the same class as I am."

Azure suddenly let my arms go. "A Cielo Tratti placing herself on an Intellectia class? Are you sure you know your position, Senna? We are of the Aeviternior class and we should not..."

"But she has the right to do as she pleases, Reiseihime." Solace interjected Azure "I also placed myself with Senna on the Intellectia class. Please tell me if you have any objections regarding our decision." My presumptions were wrong, despite looking like an Intellectia, she was an Aeviternior and top it off, a Tratti but now was not the time to think of those things.

"I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused Reiseihime*, I was just wandering about the school with no idea on where am I and so once again, I apologize." I lowered my head amidst the shocked face of Senna. "Thank you for showing such fitting respect for me and the Cielo Tratti still, you must reflect on your actions, an Intellectia should always know his place."

She was like a mother scolding her child. I listened to every word she said but Senna's face were marked with anger everywhere. "While it is true that I cannot object nor question a Cielo Tratti's actions, I still hold firm on the fact that an Aeviternior should not mingle with Intellectia, our headmaster and our professors would be dissappointed."

"Hoho, then you're saying that she's not worthy to be a Cielo Tratti after all?" Senna suddenly spoke with a hinted anger on her voice. The air between the 4 of us suddenly grew heavier. Solace was looking at Azure with pure hate on her eyes. "Tsk, I'll be taking my leave for now. Good day, everyone." Senna and Solace continue to look at Azure as she goes to a classroom just a few steps ahead. After a few minutes, the two heaved a heavy sigh. "Finally that's over. Shall we go?"

I was really lost. Questions popped my mind as we slowly made our way towards the classroom. The confrontation between Senna, Azure and Solace, the matter between Aeviternior and Intellectia, why are the 3 of them so cute? Ugh! My mind can't take all this.

"Oi, classes are starting." Senna suddenly tugged my clothes. Before I realized it, I was already at the classroom and the teacher was calling my name. "Present!" I hastily said. The classes softly giggled on my late response but their attention was more focused on the two girls who was supposed to be nowhere near an Intellectia classroom is actually here, flesh and blood.

"I'm eternally grateful that the Princess of Affection, Ms. Frasz and the Princess of Serenity, Ms. Ceraphine has decided to join this humble Intellectia class of 1-C. I'm so pleased at this sudden transfer that I actually went to the shrine and thanked all the gods there." "Errm, isn't that a bit too much sir?" Senna said with a little worry on her voice. Amidst the laughing class, the teacher urged the two to introduce themselves.

Senna was first. After all these years, I can say she has really changed. From a tomboyish girl who loves to brawl with me and the guys in the playground, once again I could really say she was now a fitting lady of the Cielo Tratti.

"Good Morning everyone, my name is Senna Czarina Frasz. You can call me Senna, Czarina or your preferred nickname do tell me if what you're comfortable with! Also, despite my title and my position, I want everyone to treat me as the same. I hope we all get along." "Still so humble." I whispered to myself. Even when we were kids, Senna never bragged about anything.

"A pleasant morning to everyone. My name is Sophia Lazuline Ceraphine but I prefer to be called as Solace. As what Ms. Frasz said, despite my position and title in the Academia, I want everyone to treat me as the same. I hope for a good year ahead of us."

"So Elegant..."
"I think I wanna marry her.."
"As expected of someone from the Aeviternior."

A fitting applause in the sea of whispers from the class in response to the two girls' introduction. The way I see it, this is gonna be a good year. As the teacher runs through the course, my mind shifted towards Azure once more. Looking through the books and listening through the discussion of the teacher, I began to wonder, how in the world did these things came to happen.

"So can anyone tell me what is really the Cielo Tratti? Ah yes Ms. Ceraphine."

A group of 9 girls who belonged to Aeviternior class and excelled in almost all aspects of education, including the infamous, Arcanic decryption are inducted into the Cielo Tratti, with their unique personalities, they earn their titles and are given near, limitless privileges at the Academia.

"Very good but this setting paints a broader picture in the world today." The teacher pulled a map in his desk and it showed the current state of the world today, littered with flags from different nations, it has been long since the world has found peace.

"So, can anyone tell me what is happening at this map right now? Ah yes, Ms. Frasz."

Nations go side by side with schools. Students being trained at not only at the aspects of academics but also of warfare. Besides the flags of the different countries, the emblems of school is shown just beside it. The balance of power has been split into two, and just like this Academia, people around the world consider us as of equal power to that of a fully working country.

"Splendid explanation Ms. Frasz. As what she said, academic situations rose into power and now go side by side with nations but how did this happen?"

Arcanic decryption. Several years past, mysterious tablets began appearing from all over the world bearing some kind of code. None of the recorded alive and dead languages are able to determine its form and even the most brillant minds during that time didn't have a single clue on what could it mean. As time went by, the tablets piled up and strangely enough, its value rose in the market. Countries from all over the world began hoarding them, as they continue to appear less and less. Yeah, it seemed pretty stupid but the leaders during that time believed that the tablet contained something that could be very vital to this world's future.

Tensions rose. As the hoarding of this stone letters reached a ridiculous point. Different countries began rattling sabers for it. People considered it as an item more valuable than gold. Related crimes rose and anarchy slowly took its blossom the United Nations tried to quell her members but with the sudden halt of the tablets' appearance, she couldn't do anything.

"Yes, even up to now, people thought of this conflict as very stupid but nonetheless, it happened and now it is written in the history books as the era of the walking stones but suddenly things changed. Can someone tell me what happened? Ah yes, you boy."


After the tablets' appearance stopped, people doubled their efforts into dechipering its code. Schools and colleges from all over the world poured their undivided efforts into unveiling its message. Countries placed a special bracket on the government budget into decoding the tablets they have hoarded and then one day, a school from a certain country successfully unlocked one tablet's message. One by one, different schools and academies have proclaimed that they have unlocked the secret into reading this tablets. At first, people thought that they were bluffing but all those doubts were purged when the proclaiming schools called their method the same name.

"Arcanic decryption. Yes, strangely enough, the different schools including the Academia herself called the method the same name. WIth this, the schools rose in power. The government tried stopping this rise but the tablets contained knowledge far beyond than what a human could ever battle with. WIth this, the power of education rather, knowledge has been cemented."

Indeed, the tablets' message have contained something so powerful. I myself have read one and it taught me something so frightening that sometimes I regret that I ever learned it but as for Senna, Solace, Azure, Beatrice and the rest of the Cielo Tratti, I can only imagine how many tablets have they read.

"I've read at least 2500 Professor."
"Mine's about 1456."

Hearing those words, my brain nearly stopped working. I've only read a tablet myself and they have already reached the thousand mark? Little by little, the true story behind the Cielo Tratti are beginning to unfold. The cold winds that blew to the classroom touched my skin but it was not the reason why I'm shaking a little.

"Hello..."

A voice suddenly whispered to my ear. Looking at my side, Solace was tugging my sleeve.

"That was for earlier. I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond."

Looking at her face, I can only imagine what the tablets taught her but for some reason, I wasn't afraid. Something tells me that not all the tablets contain something sinister or evil but maybe, just maybe it is something worth keeping.

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Amai Neko l AEC


#20
Frost

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Another great chapter!

It really sounds like you put a lot of thought into the world and the background information, especially the whole history between the nations and the schools.

Keep it up!

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