28 replies to this topic

[Zero King]

The knife slide across her skin with flawless technique as the blood oozed out onto the floor. The room was spinning and her mind was fading quickly. She looked into the mirror, she was so gone but her eyes screamed SAVE ME! But this is real life there are no heroes is always what she believed.
Even to the last moment of life she clung to the little hope, it's all that kept her alive till now. She slumped down into the corner of the room slowly dieing and watching her whole life flash through her eyes. Someone called her out name but she didn't see anyone…………..

Beep…Beep….Beep…Beep
The EKG machine kept a steady beat…..
The darkness faded and light shined through her eyes. Emily opened her eyes and looked around the room through lazy eyes. She could barely register what the machine in the rooms were. Her head was throbbing, her arms thin and face paler than normal. She heard a little snore for the first time she saw a boy who she saw around her apartment complex…

As she struggled to pull herself up, he woke up and without a word helped her before leaving the room. A few minutes later he returned with a doctor who seemed busy since his pager kept peeping. He talked for a few minutes giving her the normal medical bullshit. Before she knew it, he had fled the room and she was alone with the boy. "um..I guess I need to thank you…"
He looked at her fiercely "Don't give me any shit, why did you do it?"
He kept looking at her, Emily knew he wouldn't stop until she told him why or confessed that she tried to kill herself..

"….I'm Ugly! it's better if I'm just gone. Everyone tells me so, my mom and my dad they tell me everyday" she started to sob out the last one the words.
He grabbed her and held her into his chest as she cried everything away.

He stroked her hair and remained silent until she was ready to talk again no matter how long it took. She calmed down after a half an hour, she gently pushed him away missing the comfort. She tried to whisper some thanks but he placed his finger on her mouth and shook his head. "just rest".

She stared at the wall for the longest time before he spoke again "David", she turned her head to him "what?"
"My name is David"

She whispered "thank you David" and fell into a deep sleep a few moments later. She slept peacefully, she couldn't remember the last time she had.

Yet she was pulled from the peaceful sleep as she shook awaked by her father.

"You stupid bitch!, you know how much these bills will cost me"

He had pulled her up by her gown's collar. She couldn't breathe, she struggled to get away but was too weak.

The doctor rushed into the room, her father pushed her back down onto the bed without any emotional but rage.

"If you know what's good for you, you better keep your ass out of my house" He left the room bumping into the doctor who tried to calm him down.

Emily tried to get out of my bed but fell to the floor. She crawled to the doctor's cart and fiddled around until she found what she was looking for..a scalpel. Her hands were shaking as she place the scalpel's edge on her arm.

"stop!" her hand was wretched away, David stood above her taking the knife out of her hand.

She stopped to wail her arms around, he caught her arms and held them above her head as he forced her head into chest.

Emily kept screaming and wailing but slowly calming down and cried hard collapsing onto David's chest for the second time today. Her hands pulled at his shirt as she sobbed and sobbed…….

[OchaMeido❣]

ohhh myyy! Zero-kun, Really nice story!! If you can make this story longer and longer that would be veryyy Excellent!!!~~

I would love if you can put chapter # and the title for each chapter. It will would be better~

I wantt tooo readdd moreeee~~<33 *hugs Zero-kun*~

[Zero King]

Thank you very much wanderous-Chan Dont worry i believe i will make at least 2 more chapters of Hero and post them right here.

I just uploaded a new story and I will try to write hero part 2 tonight *hugs back

Edited by Zero King, 04 August 2012 - 12:24 AM.

[OchaMeido❣]

you are an quick writer indeed ,Zero-kun~^-^~

Nice grammer and descritive details! ~I only notice one little typo out of the whole chapter ~^-^~

[thearux]

I want to know whats the idea of the story, a hint, anything, suddenly dropping a chapter without preview or a little hint is no good, it leaves me clueless of what to expect.

[Maia]

I like it so far, Zero. I hope to see more from you.

[Zero King]

Thearux: sorry I don't like to give previews or hints since its always changing. I never know what I am going to write most of the time, I just put my pen down on paper and write whatever comes to mind.

Maia: thank you, I'll try to keep it up

Edited by Zero King, 04 August 2012 - 11:07 AM.

[hero]

nice one.

and thx for using my name xD

[Anju]

*_*
Ahh your writing is really good!

[thearux]

Im not saying that its bad, Im just saying that I want to have an idea of the genre, or what to expect, you see, it would be awkward for me to expect gore and it ends up with ponies, rainbows and homos.

[pizhhh]

Pretty good!

Edited by Pizhhh, 04 August 2012 - 05:06 PM.

[Maia]

Thearux: sorry I don't like to give previews or hints since its always changing. I never know what I am going to write most of the time, I just put my pen down on paper and write whatever comes to mind.

Maia: thank you, I'll try to keep it up

Its the same with mine. I just write it as I go. Some parts of it I do have to plan out though, that way I get it right, because Im terribly OCD about it.
Hope you get the chance to read Dangerous sometime, Zero >^.^<

And you are very welcome.

[Zero King]

Hero: thanks and lol your welcome

_Pizhhh: Thank you

Anju: Thank you

Thearux: I'll never end a story with ponies, rainbows, and homos. Just expect a pretty dark or sad undertone but I cant really say that. As a writer i want to branch out and improve my work.

Maia: I cant plan it out, i just plan how a character is but thats after writing for a while. Once I think it out its pretty much done since I second guess myself, i have OCD about that.
I just finished reading the second part of the second chapter. Its good keep it up Maia!


After thing I have another story on here called Burning, it has 42 views and hero has 107 views. I know that Hero is better, but i would like some feedback on burning part 1. If you dont like the general first part tell me, any feedback is good feedback pretty much.

Edited by Zero King, 05 August 2012 - 09:33 AM.

[Maia]

I'll go check it our for you!
Now I'm excited!
And thank you for taking the time to read my story and offer your feedback!<3

Edited by Maia, 05 August 2012 - 08:27 PM.

[Icee]

Woah this is really intriguing... I feel like it was sorta fast flowing... But yeah. I like it ;3

[Zero King]

Thank you everyone. I didnt think i would write this but heres the second part of the 1st chapter (since its short)


“I’m Sorry..I’m Sorry Dad!” Emily cried out over and over again. Begging forgiveness to someone who never even cared about her. It was a heart wrenching scene, David’s heart pulled him to her but it was impossible. Her mind was gone, nothing but the emptiness of sadness…

She wailed her arms, twisted and turned her body in every way. Something was trying to come out of her, or something she wanted to let go but couldn’t.

“Emily” David whispered, he tried reaching out to her. But her mouth met his hand as she clasped down on it like a rabid animal.

David bite his lip, refusing to let him express pain. His pain could never match hers, his pain was nothing…

“Emily it’s alright” He rubbed her head whispering the simple sentence over and over again trying to calm her without pulling his hand away from her mouth.

Her mouth loosened slowly as the blood flows down dripping to the floor. This pain is nothing he kept repeating it trying to push away the pain so he could with hers.

“Emily, come back to me” she looked up at him, with his blood on her lips and her tears running down her cheeks.

“I’m Sorry…I’m so sorry” she kept shaking head, she couldn’t believe what she did. David reached for her pulling her into him.

“It’s alright, this is nothing” He ran his hands through her hair, and kissed her forehead.

“It will be Alright”

Her sobs slowly ended, her guilt faded away as she sank into a deep sleep. David laid her down on her bed, pulled the sheet over her body trying not to drip his blood on her.

Even David’s mind was weary as he leaned over her sleeping form and just stared at the one He loved……

Edited by Zero King, 06 August 2012 - 05:44 AM.

[Frost]

Hey Zero! I finally got around to reading this :].

I'll start with some small mistakes I noticed:

Spoiler

"The knife slide across her skin with flawless technique as the blood oozed out onto the floor"., I think it should be "...slid across her skin.."

and this part

Spoiler

But this is real life there are no heroes is always what she believed. This is more purely my opinion: I think it would flow better if you switched some words around: But this is real life there are no heroes, is what she always believed. Whatever you think is better just wanted to give you my two cents :]

Now that, that is out of the way, I enjoyed it :], I agree with Icee in that things really seemed to progress pretty fast, I mean wasn't David a complete stranger? But I don't what happens between people in life and death situations so it's very possible she's clinging on to the only person who has ever been nice to her and plus it seems David may have knew about her before she met him in the hospital...

The dialogue between characters is great and very nice descriptions too.

Edited by Frost, 02 September 2012 - 03:41 AM.

[Zero King]

I'm glad

Yes people tend to cling on people after they experience something bad. Also they are not strangers they know each other but not that well.
I was going to write a flashback to show that more.

About the mistakes I type really fast and occasionally I will make a mistake but thank you for pointing it out.

Thank you very much, it was my first time adding diolgue to my stories.

Edited by Zero King, 02 September 2012 - 04:23 AM.

[Frost]

I'm glad

Yes people tend to cling on people after they experience something bad. Also they are not strangers they know each other but not that well.
I was going to write a flashback to show that more.

About the mistakes I type really fast and occasionally I will make a mistake but thank you for pointing it out.

Thank you very much, it was my first time adding diolgue to my stories.

you're welcome :]

Really? I couldn't tell

[Zero King]

yep

I was wondering in your guys opinion do you want me to continue hero?