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Original Novel: Fate/emblem


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#21
MezzoParody

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Sorry for not commenting earlier on your the latest release, I was trying to wait for the continuation so I'd have more to comment on. It's nice to get a look at Naota's everyday life, and his sword swinging practice definitely seems to hint at him having a larger part in the upcoming war.

Mostly I wanted to comment on your picture. Wow! I wasn't expecting so much detail! And the close-up of the eye is quite pretty, that's certainly a very nice style you have.

Rider hasn't appeared in the story yet, huh? Wonder who she could be...Well, we know there are at least two female heroic spirits in plate-mail this time. What are the odds? Ah well, toying with history is half the fun of the Fate/Franchise!

As always, I'll be looking forward to more. And also, more pictures! Now I've got questions like, how much does Yuu resemble Rin? Just what sort of Western clothes do they wear? (And what style maid outfit does the maid wear? For some reason this question still bothers me! Not that I expect you to draw her anytime soon though...unless it turns out she's a master too! Aha! Time to start my conspiracy theories!! :ph34r: )

#22
oninn

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Okay, I have a big problem... My computer broke down! But still, I'll post as fast as I can.... I'm miss playing Mahou Tsukai no Yoru, damn computer!


And here's a pic of the Einsbern Master! Haha, I'm quite sleepy so it's not as beautiful as I wanted her to be.
Spoiler


EDIT: The Chapter 2 part 2 is already updated and it's almost done. Please continue reading it, thanks!

Edited by oninn, 13 June 2012 - 03:28 AM.

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#23
oninn

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Straight to the point: My computer is working fine now! Now I can easily update my writings and so on... Anyway, sorry for the long wait!

Okay, here's the compilation.

Prologue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17fFsRrlvfUPy1Ga0gSs_jB0u-8XjePpVIvWpbLbcxFA/edit

Chapter 001:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KM-34zHxEh4-HVR3Ds4Xq-ihCFK9lU0DBPfMyacTmiA/edit

Chapter 002-01:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FNsFXuFhQuO2tKXjgGgnk1V5QWh3zUh3QeP9K4whZnM/edit

Chapter 002-02:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VCcZbE5SyKZGps7eOCkKY_G3DCqby_mprb5U9cGOsyE/edit

Chapter 002-02 Finished!!!!!! HOOORAAAY!

Edited by oninn, 06 May 2012 - 03:47 PM.

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#24
MezzoParody

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Woohoo~! Nice job! There was definitely some interesting tension during that bit with Rider. So this Rider is German? Or perhaps just knows German spells? Gah, I have no clue who they could be...

And this Archer has some kind of anti-detection thing, but it can't stand up against whatever Rider used...ah, not knowing who these guys are is bugging me...

The scene with Yuu and Eva was cute, it made me smile a bit. It really gives us a chance to see Yuu's usual personality, teasing and fun-loving but very honest. Quite different from the tsundere Tohsaka we knew in F/SN! Wonder what it was that "definitely bothered" Yuu. Could it because compared to Eva, she's so flat chested? XD

I do agree with Yuu though, being concerned about her house and staff is very important! What if someone sneaked in and placed a trap or something? Archer's certainly smart and has got experience and stuff, but I think he's more concerned with the immediate events than he is with the big picture. Is this is true persona showing through, or am I just over-analyzing it...?

Anyway, great job! Glad to know everything's working fine now, and I'll be looking forward to more! (And more of the Einsbern master. Even if it's not Illya, Einsberns are awesome!)

Thanks for sharing!

Edited by MezzoParody, 02 May 2012 - 09:45 PM.


#25
oninn

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Gee, thanks! Hahaha. Sorry for the late reply. By the way, I'll post the 003 within this week after my tests and reports.... for now, I'll post the PIC of Moritaka Naoto, the protagonist of the story. [I even photoshopped it and colored it since I'm fed up with the reviewing.... Arrrghh!]

Spoiler

Edited by oninn, 20 May 2012 - 07:09 AM.

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#26
perish

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I saw fate so i had to be here!!

what is this for?? i just frivilously commented first?
has anyone done a fanfic!!! A F FAN FICTION!!!!! ??!!!!

#27
oninn

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Well. Yes... I'm working on it right now.... Haha. I'm a FSN fan and I just can help thinking after watching the anime about it and played the VN so to relieve my thirst for more, I created this.

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#28
theroadstopshere

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It took me forever and a week, but I'm caught up. *sigh of relief* Great progress, it would take way more space than I have time for to comment on all of it! I like the character art, its looking great. Maybe I'll post something of value (like Mezzo's comments) later when I have time... please keep posting your great work!

EDIT: gah, just reading what I typed makes me feel embarrassed... I'm so out of it, I can't even type a logical, flowing comment... anyways, sorry for the inadequate post, thanks for sharing!

Edited by theroadstopshere, 09 May 2012 - 05:11 AM.

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#29
oninn

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For everyone who takes their time to reply on this thread.... I thank you from the bottom of- ....err, welll... I..... Anyway, I will post the 003(still incomplete though. I'm pretty bad on typing) on Monday next week because unexpected reports and I can't slack off on my upcoming EXAM. Anyway, I will give some info (and a little bit of spoilers) about 003 so that your imagination can bother you for a while.


Serene Barthomeloi:
Spoiler


Tohsaka Yuu:
Spoiler

Moritaka Naoto:
Spoiler


Well, everything is on my head. Really. But I didn't have all the time on the world to write it on a paper and type it on the computer so please bear with me for a moment, will ya? Anyway... thanks for reading.

Edited by oninn, 13 June 2012 - 02:37 AM.

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#30
oninn

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Owwww. For some MAJOR reasons, I decided to temporarily stop writing and focus on my studies more. Look, the exam that I, will take will determine my fate and my future so.... do I really need to say something else? Anyway, I'll be back on 3 weeks or more so I'll post again if my exam (called the mythical "EXIT EXAM") is finished.


Also, from what I said earlier, I won't stop PERMANENTLY and will still post on the Entertainment/Anime Section. Goodluck to me and Good day to you sirs and madames.

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#31
MezzoParody

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Haha, good luck buddy! In the mean time we shall be good, patient readers!

#32
oninn

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OOOHHHH!!! I'm BACK! Crap for who ever invented that MATHEMATICS EXAM which takes up almost 4 hours of BRAINSTORMING and thinking, and moreover it's just a damn 25-item examination! Are you kidding me!?

(Ahem)

Going back to business, well, there's no money involved so I can't call it one but please don't mind my idiotic comments, its solely purpose is to relieve some stress...

I'm goin' to continue writing, right here, right now... This pent-up ideas are swarming and spinning around on my head for awhile so I'll start writing ASAP (As Soon As Possible). And I think most of you are starting to get irritated about me, redirecting you to google docs just for you, readers to read these chapters so I'll post it inside the spoiler BB CODE until I finish writing it...

Here it is, the unfinished chapter 3! *cough* *cough* I'm starting to feel... nostalgic.... I wonder why...
Spoiler


Spoiler

Edited by oninn, 13 June 2012 - 03:02 AM.

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#33
MezzoParody

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Makiri, huh? Well at least he doesn't seem as...unlucky as Sakura. Still feel bad for him though. I'm sure Zouken could win a Worst Dad Ever award.

More importantly, a True Ancestor! If I recall correctly, most of them (that weren't Arc, obviously) went sort of mad and bloodthirsty and stuff, or hermit-ted themselves away. Since this one doesn't seem too violent, I'm guessing she's one of the latter ones. Though Naoto's dream made it sound like she had a pretty crazy moment...hmm...

True Ancestors, Dead Apostles, Ghouls, there's a lot going on in this town! Bad timing though, what with Servants running about. Unless this is all part of someone's master plan. Maybe some mage brought them all to the city...maybe one of the mages is the Dead Apostle! Dun dun dunn....Eh, I dunno. Theorizing is fun.

Anyway, it's good to see you back and writing, Oninn! Intrigue and whatnot is building up nicely. I'm definitely looking forward to more about this True Ancestor girl. It seems like not only does she have an important part to play in Naoto's backstory, but she might just show up during the Grail War. It's like Tsukhime X Fate/Stay Night...man I love it when those two mix!

(I apologize for the decrease in helpfulness of my comments. The more I read, the more I move from a "let me try to give constructive criticism" mentality to a "YAY STUFF TO READ" mentality...)

#34
oninn

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Well, I really appreciate all of your comments so feel free to also criticize and badmouth me as much as you can. Hahaha...


And also, I think that True Ancestors that have a body of a woman are rare, right?

Makiri, huh? Well at least he doesn't seem as...unlucky as Sakura. Still feel bad for him though. I'm sure Zouken could win a Worst Dad Ever award.

More importantly, a True Ancestor! If I recall correctly, most of them (that weren't Arc, obviously) went sort of mad and bloodthirsty and stuff, or hermit-ted themselves away. Since this one doesn't seem too violent, I'm guessing she's one of the latter ones. Though Naoto's dream made it sound like she had a pretty crazy moment...hmm...

True Ancestors, Dead Apostles, Ghouls, there's a lot going on in this town! Bad timing though, what with Servants running about. Unless this is all part of someone's master plan. Maybe some mage brought them all to the city...maybe one of the mages is the Dead Apostle! Dun dun dunn....Eh, I dunno. Theorizing is fun.

Anyway, it's good to see you back and writing, Oninn! Intrigue and whatnot is building up nicely. I'm definitely looking forward to more about this True Ancestor girl. It seems like not only does she have an important part to play in Naoto's backstory, but she might just show up during the Grail War. It's like Tsukhime X Fate/Stay Night...man I love it when those two mix!


And Zouken here is.... not tellin' :) I love mixing Nasuverse characters... So, the protagonist of this fanfic obtained the Mystic Eyes. Anyway, I'll update this thread as much as possible.

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#35
oninn

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I'm going to start writing about the contents of the HGW next... and, Naoto's summoning of his own servant! I have this idea for a quite some time now but expect that the one that he'll summon is not a SABER class (since I'm fed up with the MC's servant is Saber) but a caster class! But look forward to the Saber in this HGW. I'm sure you'll be surprised about the persona of THIS saber :DDD want a clue?
Spoiler

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#36
UglyFingers

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not a saber? oh god, i got a bad feeling about this...

lol kidding. Its nice to see a large stray from canon once in a while. It feels refreshing.

#37
oninn

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I really love Saber. I love Saber so much that I could talk about her for about... 3 hours? But my fanfic is irrelevant to my admiration and dedication for Saber.

Yep. That's right.

The reasons why the protagonist's servant is not a Saber class are just simply because...

Spoiler

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#38
oninn

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Oh, right. I forgot to post the chapter 003.

Spoiler

Edited by oninn, 12 August 2012 - 04:03 PM.

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#39
MezzoParody

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And tensions are rising~

I don't really know what to say, other than to comment on how nicely chapter three has come together. Also, your style is definitely very well suited to visual novels. Midway through I could seriously imagine character sprites and stuff, and it almost felt like I was actually reading a VN. Maybe someday you could even...make a VN adapation! Yeah, ambitious, I know, blah. It's fine the way it is, but if you did decide to do that, I'd be your first volunteer for play-testing!

Anyway, keep it up! :)

#40
oninn

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VN adaptation!? Now that's really something... worth considering. I did study on how to create VNs and unfortunately, I didn't had the time to continue it. But if I ever finish my studies early, I will continue it and try making a VN for fun. (Drawing + Writing a script + Programming is really hard, you know? It may take some years just to finish one VN). Anyway, since my exam week is approaching faster than expected, I will stop writing for the meantime and focus on the tests. And 004 is shorter than the any of the existing chapters so after I'm done with the tests, I'll write it quickly. Thanks again for your comment, at least.

Edited by oninn, 24 August 2012 - 02:13 AM.

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