23 replies to this topic

[Liar]

The purpose of this thread is to encourage discussion about writing in general in an effort to improve our overall skill. I know it's not easy to handle critique or to recognize the faults you may have, but in order to grow as a writer, we need to learn to recognize what our strengths and weaknesses are in our writing.

Tips, thoughts, personal experience, or any other helpful information are welcomed.

Writing is often regarded as a solitary action, but I don't believe that is the case considering many of us want to share what we write with the world. Let's use this chance to improve and also have a bit of fun at the same time.

[Dai Satō]

I personally like to write i know i'm not good at it but i give it my best attempt to write something like this is a writing prompt that my teacher gave me it was "as i listen to..." and i was suppose to write off that and that's what i did so if their is anything i could do to improve i would be happy for it helped me out



As I listen to the music of the rave party. The dark room with people running around and dancing, the lights flashing in my eyes it amazes me. The whole party excites my senses, the touch off people bumping into me, the smell of perfume and cologne mixing together in the air, the sight of people moving and dancing at a fast pace, and lastly the music, the music blows my mind even though there is so many people talking and yelling all I hear is the music. A feeling a dance overwhelms me. I feel like a whole new level of ecstasy is filling my body. It makes me want this night to never end.

As I listen to as I listen to her heart beat mine beats as well. She’s looking at me with those eyes that I can never forget. We embrace each other so close I can hear her breathing. I move a little so my month is next to her ear to say “I love you”. When I leaned back some she went to my ear and said the same thing but when she did I felt my whole body flare up like an oven. We both looked at each other and giggled hearing her voice contradicts me I feel the excitement from it but I also feel calm and cool.

As I listen to all the kids yelling and screaming, I’m running though them all to get someone. The person who really got me mad, when I finally reached him I felt my blood blowing up all the yelling I just heard was numbed out to the point where I can hear them but as a “bluh bluh” thing. All my senses were focus on the guy in front of me. I don’t know what kind of face I had one but I can tell by everyone’s’ facial expression I had a really angry and scary face on. Moments later the fight had already started and at this point I cant here anything but what I’m thinking and all I hear is beat up the guy in front of me.

As I listen to the laughter and talking of the people down stairs it fills me with joy and the annoyance of another family reunion at my house. I’m glad to be able to see all of my family in one place, Hearing the stories my uncles tell me, listening to my mom cheat in the game of dominos is so funny. My grandma always telling about how much of a man I’m turning into, my grandpa telling me money making plans. Hearing all my cousins running around in the backyard. The babies’ giggle makes me want to steal them. Just another family reunion in my house

[Xbox User]

Oh dang. It's a creative writing thread. Excellent.

Dixxiify, I would be happy to help with any grammar revision you need. I'm not an expert, but I could probably use some of the knowledge my professor taught me to help you out. Btw I like your prompt.

I would have posted one of my old stories, but my old laptop that contained everything crashed. But then again, if you are a writer, anything you have written will suck in your eyes two years later. Something my English professor told me. I find it to be true. Anyway here is an introduction to a story I wrote just for the fun of it. Sorry if it sucks.

I tried to add indentations, but it didn't work.

A warrior cloaked in tattered robes pulled the blade of his old, rusty scythe out of his now dead opponent's body. The blade, now dyed dark red, was wiped clean of the blood that stained it, and the weapon vanished in a cloud of black smoke.
“Another foolish attempt for the sword has ended in failure.” said the figure. His voice was deep and rough. It was a voice that could make the bravest of warriors become paralyzed in fear.
Just then, the doors of the large room were kicked open, and a shadow of a man stood in the doorway. He wore robes similar to the robes the cloaked figure wore.
The figure turned towards the direction of the man and sighed. “Have you come for the sword,” asked the figure as he returned his weapon to his hand in the same manner he made it vanish.
“No,” the man said, “I've come for you!” The man drew a scythe that had a shining, black blade from the sheath on his back.
“You've come for me? I should be saying that to you.”
The two warriors charged each other. They clashed their blades, and sparks flew revealing a pale skull and a sinister smile. The greatest battle unknown to history has begun. Death versus the man many people have called the Grim Reaper.

Edited by Xbox User, 11 February 2012 - 03:14 AM.

[gin_gin]

ummmm...can you critique mine?

its seven pages long so please bear with it and its not yet finished. I'm kinda happy with the outcome of it but there's still something wrong with it. Its kind of similar with the Pied Piper since that is where the inspiration came from.

Attached Files

•  Lady in Red.docx   25.42KB   10 downloads

Edited by gin_gin, 08 February 2012 - 02:59 AM.

[Xbox User]

ummmm...can you critique mine?

its seven pages long so please bear with it and its not yet finished. I'm kinda happy with the outcome of it but there's still something wrong with it. Its kind of similar with the Pied Piper since that is where the inspiration came from.

Hi gin_gin, I only had the liberty of reading your first paragraph because class will be starting for me soon, but please allow me to review the paragraph first and I will read the rest later today and give you my opinion after I read it.

The story has a good setting. It is very similar to the Pied Piper like you said. It actually reminded me of the ending when the Piper takes the children away. I like the way you described your characters. It was enough for me to create a good image of Lady Red in my mind as a sinister, yet beautiful character. However, here comes the bad part, I noticed that you have some "tense" confusion within your paragraph. Such as, singular, plural, past, present, and future tense. What I mean is that you've mixed them up. There was one sentence were you started with a plural tense and ended with a singular tense. There were some other minor errors as well such as comma placement, missing words and apostrophes, paragraph separation, and capitalization. One mistake I also notice, because I used to do this a lot until someone else told me, is that you do not start another line when a character a speaking. You have to start a new line when a character starts to speak or when a sentence contains a speaking part. This is a must in creative writing, because if you do not start a new line, your story will look too compacted if that makes sense.

Now I do not want you going away thinking you're a horrible writer because you're not. You are just beginning. I have been writing for years now and I still suck, but I don't suck as bad like when I started. I have been given advice and reviews from UCLA graduates and college professors and applied the knowledge that was given to me. Now I want to share it with you.

I would like to apologize for rambling on, but I'm a passionate writer and I want to offer my help and opinion when it comes to any type of writing. I'm full of tips my professors have given me, but if I typed them all this post would go on forever so I will stop for now.

Edit: Okay I have read the whole story, but the forum rules refrain me from posting twice and I won't post my full review here since this post is already very long. If you will gin_gin, please post something after reading this.

Edited by Xbox User, 09 February 2012 - 02:06 AM.

[gin_gin]

Thank you for reading my story. I noticed it too after reading my story again after posting it here and I realized that I have a tendency to mix up tenses when the story that I write gets long so I'll polish here and there to fix my errors. Oh yeah, I forgot about when my characters start a conversation, I should make new lines *facepalm*. Looks like I still have a long way to go. I shall keep those noted.

I get the feeling that when I read my work, i feel that a child wrote it not a me that is a teenager but maybe that's just me. It is my first time writing a full story so I know that there will be mistakes. I'm enthusiastic to see your full review now because this is the first time that I let anyone see my work aside from my friends and family.

[Xbox User]

Thank you for reading my story. I noticed it too after reading my story again after posting it here and I realized that I have a tendency to mix up tenses when the story that I write gets long so I'll polish here and there to fix my errors. Oh yeah, I forgot about when my characters start a conversation, I should make new lines *facepalm*. Looks like I still have a long way to go. I shall keep those noted.

I get the feeling that when I read my work, i feel that a child wrote it not a me that is a teenager but maybe that's just me. It is my first time writing a full story so I know that there will be mistakes. I'm enthusiastic to see your full review now because this is the first time that I let anyone see my work aside from my friends and family.

It only seems to be a rough draft or else you wouldn't need other people reviewing it, so there's no worries. Your first draft isn't going to be as good as your final draft. Proofreading your own work is a tough thing to do since your brain makes all the corrections in your head as you read along.

Back to the review (this might be long). I can see now that your strength lies in description. You can describe scenes, people, and places beautifully with a great vocabulary. You are very eloquent when it comes to description. I am able to feel like I am actually there in that scene. Now the minor errors I have stated before exist throughout the story along with some run-on sentences. Some proofreading will be able to fix those in no time. There are some sentences that can be phrased better, but I'll leave that up to you to decide to change some sentences or not. There is also no need for extra punctuation marks like this "!!!!!!!" to emphasize your sentence. Simply put one to emphasize your phrase. You also don't need to capitalize or extend a whole word to emphasize it.You can type the word in italics to give it emphasis, and if the word you want to emphasize is at the end of a sentence, put an exclamation mark to give it emphasis. Another thing is that thoughts are to be treated like speaking parts, but you don't need to start a new line for them. However, you do need to capitalize the first word, like the start of a sentence, and the thought must have quotation marks. I do praise you for knowing to put the thought in italics. Not many people know that in the beginning. I also notice you sometimes repeat a word to exaggerate it like "......after long long time of starvation......" In some cases, when the extra word is needed, put a comma in between them. Most of the time you don't need the extra word, so just omit it. Lastly here are some tips to improve your writing. To sound more professional, refrain from using any contractions like "don't" or "can't". Instead, put "do not" and "cannot". Don't use so like very like "it's been so long" or "there is so much". Try to rephrase them. Try your best to avoid using what are called "iceberg" words. They are words that hide a deeper meaning. Some examples are "good", "bad", "thing" and "fun". Good means not bad, and bad means not good. Get what I mean? "Thing" and "fun" are just very vague words. Riding a roller coaster and playing tag are both fun, but there's a different degree of fun between them. Get it? Try using a more descriptive word in place of these "iceberg" words if you can. Last one, promise. When a character speaks, you can basically toss out all the rules of grammar and spelling except for punctuation, capitalization, and a few others. Sometimes you can even toss those rules out as well. If you want your character to speak text talk and type in text talk. If you want your character to sound cute then type in "I sowwy mister". Type in exactly what you want the character to say.

I hope I was some help, and I look forward to your next story.

Edited by Xbox User, 09 February 2012 - 04:58 PM.

[LiamE.]

Please please read mine too? It was supposed to be a short story (ended up taking up 11 pages :S) for the school papers. I gave it to my friends, but you know how friends are, never have any real critics... :S
Please tell me whether it's any good? :3
I'll be forever grateful!

Attached Files

•  Caithlynn Marsh complete (1).rtf   54.77KB   8 downloads

[Xbox User]

Please please read mine too? It was supposed to be a short story (ended up taking up 11 pages :S) for the school papers. I gave it to my friends, but you know how friends are, never have any real critics... :S
Please tell me whether it's any good? :3
I'll be forever grateful!

Me? A real critic? Well I must have done something right for you to ask me. Anyway, I would be happy to read your story and give my review. I'll probably post it up during the weekend. Most likely late Saturday (PST) because I have an exam on Monday and a paper due on Thursday, so I'll be busy this weekend. Just reassuring you that I will read your story, so you don't have to wonder if I will or not.

[LiamE.]

Because you give concrete answers, useful tips, and somehow it feels like talking to a real writer/editor.
I'm very thankful for you taking time to read it even though you have such a tight schedule!

[Xbox User]

Oh what an enjoyable read. I know I said I would post up the review late Saturday (PST), but I finished rewriting my notes earlier than expected. Now I'm going to review your story a little different than gin_gin's because I was able to address her problems as a whole since there were a lot of the same problem. Your story, on the other hand, has various problems in small amounts. This will be long.

Spoiler

Now then, on to the review! Your story was very interesting. It made me want to keep reading and find out what happened next. However, I was a little disappointed after the end because even though it was meant to be a short story, it felt more like the first chapter of an adventure novel. That is only my personal opinion because I like a story to have a conclusion. That is just me and I am not saying that you should change it nor am I implying it. Your structure is very nice. It had a nice flow from paragraph to paragraph. Good vocabulary. My guess is that you have been writing for quite awhile now. There are minor errors throughout the story like some tense confusion, misspelled words, and omitted words and letters. Some proofreading should take care of that. Now one error that appeared frequently was the usage of commas. You tend to overuse, misplace, or omit them completely. Not all of your commas are wrong, but there are a lot. This is a common problem, and it can be easily fixed once you learn the rules. I'll message you a link to a website that should help you with this because if I went over them here, I would take up the entire thread page. Another thing is that "godship" and "passersby" are recognized as single words even if Microsoft Word tells you otherwise. And I do not know if it was on purpose, but half of the "June 10^th to June 13^th" section had no spacing between paragraphs. Also, the way you refer to Aunt Sophia as just Aunt does not sound write in the context. Try using my Aunt, Auntie, or my Aunt Sophia.

To help you fix the errors that only appear once or twice, I'll post up a sentence from your story along with an analysis or example to help you correct them later. I'm doing this because these errors standout to me.

First thing is your title. It goes:

Caithlynn Marsh

or

"How to read a cursed book without getting killed"

In the document, "Caithlynn Marsh" is in big, bold letters in 26-font. It is very informal to type in such a large font. Simply use 12 or 14 font and "bold". It stands out just as much and it looks better too. However, there are some that discourage the use of "bold" completely, but this is creative writing so it should be fine. Just never use it on a school essay. And the "or How to read a cursed book without getting killed" is wrong. When using a two line title, you must put a colon at the end of the first line, omit the "or" and quotation marks, and continue on the second line. You need to capitalize some words since it is a part of a title I'll show you what it should look like without using "bold".

Caithlynn Marsh:

How to Read a Cursed Book without Getting Killed

Looks nice right?

Next is that you put an exclamation mark after "Dear Reader". Since you are writing a letter to the reader, putting an exclamation mark after "Dear Reader" is a no-no. You must put a comma after "Dear Reader" and any "Dear Whatever" when writing a friendly letter. Professional letters use colons, but that is a different story.

"Even though the rooms of the pension I live in mostly sit empty......"
Here you misuse your adverb, "mostly". Read it carefully. You try to say that most of the rooms are empty meaning no one lives in them, but the literal meaning of that sentence says that the rooms are occupied, but they are mostly empty like not a lot of stuff inside. See the difference? There are a couple sentences like this in the story.

"All of the furniture was in the wrong places, the drawers, wardrobes and cupboards were wide open, their contents strewn over the floor, my desk was a mess, all of the figurines I've been collecting over the years broken into pieces."
Here you give a list. You must put an "and" between the last and second last items on the list even though the list is an independent clause. There one or two more lists that have the same error.

"Annie had an odd way of writing. One could get the idea that she had probably had a brother complex. I wrapped myself into a soft blanked and leaned back into the sofa. She was writing about her birthday."
There is nothing grammatically wrong with these sentences. However, even though I said the flow from paragraph to paragraph was nice, the context of some paragraphs were not as nice. Read those sentences carefully. Can you see the inconsistency? It goes from Mrs. Marsh talking about how Annie has a brother complex to Mrs. Marsh plopping herself on the sofa to Annie writing about her birthday. You do not have to, but you should restructure the sentences to make them flow better. This problem also appears once or twice.

".......that I was out since one thirty o'clock......"
O'clock is only used for the beginning of an hour. Instead, use half past one.

"The suitcase I was carrying wasn't very heavy. After yesterday, the amount of my humble belongings halved. It hung in my hand half full."
Nothing grammatically wrong here, but the last sentence is redundant. You already stated that she was carrying the suitcase and that her possessions have been cut in half. It is up to you whether you omit it or not.

"The carter, Roland, as I recalled Aunt had called him......"
This just sounds a little weird. You should consider rephrasing it.

"48 hours and an aching back later......"
Never start a sentence with number symbols. Instead, spell out the number.

".....climbed onto his seat and snapped the ribbons once."
It is "reins" not "ribbons".

"Soon the large brown brick of the Institute came into sight."
Nothing wrong grammatically here, but this is another case of the literal meaning being different from what you meant to say. You wanted to describe the Institute building as in came into view. However, the literal meaning is saying the Institute has a large brown brick on display. There are more "literal meaning" errors.

Overall, I loved the story, and I was impressed by your structure and vocabulary. And you must let me read the continuation if you decide to write one. I hope I was of some help, and I look forward to your next story.

Edited by Xbox User, 27 February 2012 - 09:24 PM.

[LiamE.]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
It was of great help!
Ah, yes, I expected the commas to be mentioned. Also in my homeworks or essays the most common mistakes are usually commas.
I went through the rules on the site you gave me (wow there are so many... ), so hopefully my teacher won't have to buy a new pen after grading my homework anymore. xD
And the reins thing... *facepalm* Not trusting google translator any more.
I doubt that I'm going to continue this one because I'm already (sort of) working on a novel.

Anyway, I'm really happy that you found it interesting, and thank you once more for the tips!

[Fenrir2218]

Hmm a curiosity befalls me. What is this I see but a thread to write.
The funny phrasing aside, I wish to submit a free writing. This will be short as I cannot link a document I don't have or haven't even written yet.

Darkness, all around darkness. Their eyes strained to adjust, but they couldn't. Peering around blindly they heard the echo of water bounding and rebounding off the walls all around. The slow trickle of water that told them not where they were but that they were damp. Upon this realization they all began to shiver, the cold began gnawing at them. Biting through their flesh and happily settiling in their bones. The chill focused their noses letting enter the stale scent of earth. A moldy decaying scent, a scent like death. The smell made them worry, and worry made them anxious. They open their mouths to try and speak, and their mouths were flooded with taste. Gritty earthen flavor wafted in their mouths. The flavor startled them, stealing words from their mouths. Lastly they tried moving, but their hands gave not a care. Their touch was numbed they couldn't feel. They panicked breifly before their wits came about them. They went to sleep soundly. They finally remembered they were dead.

[Xbox User]

Darkness, all around darkness. Their eyes strained to adjust, but they couldn't. Peering around blindly they heard the echo of water bounding and rebounding off the walls all around. The slow trickle of water that told them not where they were but that they were damp. Upon this realization they all began to shiver, the cold began gnawing at them. Biting through their flesh and happily settiling in their bones. The chill focused their noses letting enter the stale scent of earth. A moldy decaying scent, a scent like death. The smell made them worry, and worry made them anxious. They open their mouths to try and speak, and their mouths were flooded with taste. Gritty earthen flavor wafted in their mouths. The flavor startled them, stealing words from their mouths. Lastly they tried moving, but their hands gave not a care. Their touch was numbed they couldn't feel. They panicked breifly before their wits came about them. They went to sleep soundly. They finally remembered they were dead.

Did you come up with this on the spot? Either way it's excellent. I love it!

Edited by Xbox User, 17 February 2012 - 04:28 PM.

[Fenrir2218]

I need to stop watching your signature i'm too engrossed and cannot type lol.

But i made it up on the spot, thank you for the complement and read. I'd like to see more of that story of yours though. it was an interesting tidbit.

[codetoki]

hi, this is a piece from my friend who wants some critique

Spoiler

My body ached, my lungs burned and sweat caked my body from head to toe. But I had to keep fighting, or suffer the punishment...again.
My arms moved at their own accord, blocking my opponents attacks, before landing a kick to the chest, effectively knocking the air out of his chest. My vision was blurry, I no longer knew who I was sparring, I knew only one thing. I had to win.
Block left, duck, punch straight out, roll out of the way. C’mon, move that body faster! My attacker feinted left, and tried to catch me off guard on my right, but I didn’t fall for it, instead, I used his own attack against him, slamming him to the ground making the movements for the killing blow. “You’re dead.”
I didn’t give my opponent a moment to speak, I stood, wiping the sweat from my eyes and went to return to my spot in line. No one spoke a word. I didn’t expect them to. No one here wanted to be punished for such a trivial thing.
Once I was back in my spot in line, the Combat Head spoke up. “That was very disappointing Number 1. Very disappointing in deed.”
The crowd around me stirred, the slight shuffling of feet was enough to express everyone’s shock. Though none was more great than mine.
“May I ask why, sir?” I asked, keeping my voice as quiet as possible to prevent an unwanted outburst.
The Combat Head met my eyes disapprovingly, “You performed 10 seconds slower than your last test, and you got sloppy, Number 2 got 10 hits.” He clicked his tongue. “Unacceptable. We can only have our trainees improving. Maybe we miscalculated your medications.”
I paled. No, they wouldn’t need to re-evaluate my medications. They can’t. They just got new results two weeks ago.
The Combat Master nodded. “That must be it. There is no other reason for our best to be performing so poorly. Number 1, you shall report to the labs before your next meal for a re-evaluation.”
My body trembled. Maybe I should have lost the fight and accepted my punishment. Anything to get out of this. “Y-Yes, sir.”
“Number 23 and 16, you’re next.”
***
“The tests are over for today, everyone is allowed to either remain in the training area to continue to improve or go to the computer lab to practice hacking. We shall arrive in an hour with the list of recruits chosen for the next mission.” The Combat Head told us, nodding to indicate we could disperse.
I turned around and headed straight to a training dummy and begin to refine my attacks.
“You were pretty bad ass, Emmy.” I frowned as I saw Rey come into view.
I delivered a hard kick to the dummy’s chest before responding, “How many times have I told you not to call me that?”
Rey smirked as he took a fighting stance in front of another dummy. “Can’t remember, feels like the first time to me.”
I rolled my eyes, “Shut up.”
“Just ‘cause you chose your name, and you have a preferred nickname, doesn’t mean everyone is going to use it.” Rey reminded me, a teasing smirk on his face as he landed an upper cut to the dummy’s jaw.
I wasn’t amused. “Don’t we all know it. If we had our way, we’d be called by our names at the very least and not...numbers.” I snarled.
The corner of Rey’s lips turned down, but he immediately changed the topic, another smile appearing on his face. “You excited to see if you get to go on the next mission?”
My frown deepened and punched my dummy in the head as hard as I could. “No.”
“Why not?” Rey whined.
I stopped my attacks and turned to face Rey head on. “It’s different out there. It’s not a place where if you screw up, you’re reprimanded and are given another chance. It isn’t where you pretend to kill someone. You actually take lives.”
“Isn’t that a good thing? Aren’t we on these missions to kill the bad guys?”
I glared at Rey as I tried to remind myself that he wouldn’t understand, he never saw life outside of the ‘orphanage’. He knew only of the stories told by our superiors. The stories that are sometimes far from the truth.
He doesn’t know that all the people in charge lie. He doesn’t know that it is truly innocent people that are killed. I thought back to my first mission, shuddering slightly as I smacked myself out of the memory.
Without another word to Rey, I turned and walked away. I was in no state to have a pleasant conversation with him. If I tried, he’d end up with something broken, and I’d get a punishment.
And I don’t want that, I thought to myself, it’s bad enough that I’m getting evaluated for a new set of medication.
I moved on to a treadmill, setting it up at a moderately fast run, and ran until the Combat Head returned.
“We have the list of recruits selected to take part in the next mission. If your number is called, pack your belongings and prepare to leave tomorrow morning, 6:00 sharp.” He cleared his throat. “Numbers, 1,2,3,4,8,9 and 10. You are required to meet in the computer lab, now. Everyone else may clean themselves up for the next meal.”
I was hardly surprised I had been chosen. Ever since I had been promoted to Number 1 and had proven myself worthy of the number, I had been selected to go on missions. While the other selected people were whispering excitedly amongst themselves I was confused about the large amount they selected. Usually they’d pick one or two, not seven.
None the less, I followed the group to the computer lab where the Director sat. She simply stared at us as we entered and stood in our row, waiting for her to speak.
There was a moment’s pause before she spoke. “Congratulations, you have proven yourselves to be exceptional, and have been graced with the experience to travel outside our walls. You will be going to a local high school, disguising yourselves as common teenagers. You may interact as you wish but you must keep in mind the truth behind your mission. You are to seek and keep tabs on a teenage boy, Ceil Phantomhive. You will have to take daily reports in notebooks you will be given. Once a week, you shall report what he is up to.”
The Director stood. “You are by no means to take anything he says to heart, instead, record it. Though a teenager, the household he lives in is a threat to our country. No more questions are to be asked.”
We never asked any questions, I snapped to myself.
“Enjoy your senior year,” The Director forced a smile. “Dismissed.”
A boy, we were going after a boy. Innocent adults are one thing, but a boy? And we were to fake being high school students with actual freedom?
My mind was racing and nothing was coming together, all I could come up with was that they must be targeting another innocent, and I had to stop them.
“Number 1, come with me. It’s time for your re-evaluation.”
I shuddered as I followed an agent to the science labs.
***
A scream tore through my throat as they stuck needles under my skin. I tried to move my limbs, but they were securely latched onto the metal table I lay on.
I squeezed my eyes tight, I knew what they were doing and I refused to see it. I knew they were replacing my blood with stronger more enhanced medication. Enough that would kill a normal human body. But I was no longer normal, not since they first started these horrible improvements, and the tests to find out how I could be improved.
My muscles tensed as I felt the liquid move through my veins, slowly, like molasses.
A hand connected with my cheek. “Don’t resist!”
A whimper managed to escape from my throat. I couldn’t do as I was told. The pain was too much. My brain was becoming foggy and unclear. The only thing I could focus on was the pain.
“It’s too much! You’ll kill her.” I heard a female voice snap.
“She can handle it, she’s our best. Just think, if she survives this, we’ll have an unstoppable weapon...”
“Martin, you're taking this too far. She needs more training, we need to prepare her body more readily. We can’t afford to lose her just yet. Stop this mayhem, and let us prepare. We should at least train Number 2 to be the best in case she fails.”
“No, it has to be her. Number 2 just doesn’t have the same fight in him.”
My teeth clenched together, barely holding in another scream. It felt like I was getting struck by lightning continuously. What had I done-any of us-to deserve this type of ruthless testing and training?
“Almost there...” Martin murmured.
Finally, the pain took over, granting me mercy as it let me fall into unconsciousness...or maybe death.
***
I felt like I was floating. There was no pain, no thoughts fleeting through my head, there was nothing. It was peaceful, it wrapped around me like a familiar blanket and calmed me. I lay there for who knows how long before I slowly decided to opened my eyes, only to still be faced with darkness. The first thing I felt since becoming conscious swept through me. Fear. It took hold of me, the soft blenket turned into ice, causing me to shiver.
“Your soul reaches out, seeking revenge fueled by hate. It feels this so passionately. I can help you, for the price of a soul, but there is no turning back once the decision has been made.”
The voice, deep and spine tingling echoed around me. I couldn’t pin point where it was coming from, but hope swelled in me. “You would help me put an end to the District?”
“Yes.”
I smiled. I could pay back those I killed. "And all you want in return is my soul?”
“Yes. You're soul is desined to rest here for eternity whether you complete the contract or not. Let me put some use to it.”
That statement was enough to shock me back into movement and I stumbled back in surprise. “What would you do with my soul? Are you, some kind of demon?”
The voice laughed. “That’s exactly what I am, a demon.”
I groaned. “First I’m killing people blindly for no reason, now I’m here making a deal with a demon. How did you get yourself into this mess, Emery?”
But think, I’m probably already in hell for what I’ve done. Whatever higher power probably thought that the one I lived in wasn’t good enough for my sins. So what would it matter if I made a deal with a demon now?
“So you would help me bring down the District for the price of my soul?” I asked, clarifying.
“Yes, I would follow your every order.”
I paused, going over the pros and cons again, before answering, “It’s a deal.”
I felt my left eye burn in the shape of star in a circle. I didn’t react at the pain, for once, I embraced it.
“Would you like me to be at your side right now?”
My body jerked. “No,” I snapped. There was silence as I tried to think of an alternative. “No, come to me tomorrow. I will call you at the appropriate time.”
“As you wish, My Lady.”
“Oh, geez, don’t call me that.” Was the last thing I managed to say before I could feel myself...returning.
***
“She’s waking up...” a female voice stated in shock. “Well, Martin, you did it. She is now our greatest weapon.”
“Just wait until I tell the Director, she’ll be so pleased. She was worried that this one would become rebellious. Now, she’ll be dependent on us. Serve us so she can stay healthy. Just think of how much we will be able to conquer.”
I groaned, suddenly aware of my body. But it wasn’t in pain. No, it was humming with energy. My head still hurt like a bitch though.
The room fell completely silent.
I tried to move my hand to my head, hoping to rub away the ache but my arm was still restrained. I opened my eyes, staring down at my arms before looking up at the adults in front of me. They gasped, backing away.
“I-Impossible. You said the medication wouldn’t affect the look of her at all. But her eye...”
“It wasn’t supposed to. But I guess the modifications I made to it must have caused this side effect...I mean it couldn’t be...”
The woman shook her head. “No, it can’t. The Director would have our heads if we allowed that."
I looked at them in confusion. What was their problem? My eyes were perfectly normal. I didn’t say anything, though, unsure if it was my place. When they said nothing for at least a good five minutes, just staring worriedly at each other, I spoke. “Am I free to collect my new medication and leave now?”
Martin said nothing, just nodded dumbly. He stood and made his way over to my restraints, undoing them. He cleared his throat. “Y-Yes, you will need to have your medications replenished every week so you don’t fall ill. When your here, I can do it for you, but when you’re out on your mission, you can either have one of the agents give it to you, or you can administer it into yourself. Whatever you feel most comfortable with.”
“Great, got it. Am I too late for dinner?”
The woman spoke. “If you hurry, you might be able to get something.” I nodded, sitting up rubbing my wrists. When I started to make my way out of the room, the woman grabbed my wrist handing me a pair of sun glasses with her other hand. “Wear these and tell the other agents that the medications made you go blind. Be good on your acting skills and act blind.”
I nodded once taking the glasses before turning towards the cafeteria. Why the hell would they want me to pretend I was blind? My eyes were perfectly normal.
I was almost to the cafeteria when something indigo caught my eye in the glass window as I started to pass by. I stopped, turning to find out what it was. I barely looked at my reflection for a second before my gaze was pulled to my left eye. The normal sky blue colour was replaced with a bright blue purple star touching the edges of a circle encrypted in my eye. No wonder they were so freaked out. It looks like I had a demon eye.
Demon...
Holy shit!
I made that deal with the demon, for my soul. Shaken, I put on my glasses before continuing the short distance to the cafeteria.
I paused in the door way when I made it through, placing my hand on the wall to make it look like I wasn’t sure where to go next. I looked around pretending to be confused when I saw Rey coming to me.
“Emery! There you are! We were worried they killed you off!” I could see his joking smile, though I acted offended.
“Thanks for caring,” I retorted, looking right of where he actually stood.
Rey turned trying to see what I was looking at. “Is someone going to attack me?”
My eye brows furrowed as I feinted confusion. “Why would you think that?”
“You were looking away from me, or at least not in the direction of my face...can you see with those sun glasses on?”
“It wouldn’t make a difference to me whether they were on or off.” I crossed my arms leaning back against the wall behind me.
I saw Rey’s eyes widened. “Your blind?!”
“You want to yell that a bit louder? I don’t think everyone in the cafeteria heard you.” I snarled.
Rey looked around him, noticing all the heads turned towards us. He then took my arm and led me to a corner of the cafeteria. Everyone’s eyes followed us though.
“You’re blind?” He exclaimed again but in a whisper.
“Is it really that obvious?” I said, sarcasm lacing my tone.
Rey glared for a moment before he realized I ‘couldn’t’ see it. He didn’t vocalized his annoyance, though. “How did this happen?”
“I don’t know, it happened sometime when they were giving me the new meds.” I shrugged.
“Are the meds making you feel tired? Ill? Weak?”
I shook my head. I felt anything but. “I feel...good. Like I could jump off a building and survive.” I smirked. “Now doesn’t that make me sound like a proper druggie?”
Rey punched my arm lightly.
“Ow, what was that for?” I cradled my arm, pretending it actually hurt.
Rey rolled his eyes. “Please, that didn’t even chip your pain radar.”
I too rolled my eyes. “Whatever, I’m starving. Help me get food?”
Rey took my hand and led me to the front of the room, towards the food. “Are they demoting you?” Rey whispered in my ear as we pasted the hopeful ears listening in.
“No, it turns out my reflexes are faster, as well as my speed and strength. I’m also starting to realize I can hear so much more. I can hear your breathing right now, as an example, “ I rose my voice enough so I could be heard throughout the room, “And the gossip going around in the far left corner of this room. They didn’t take my eyes out, FYI.” I turned my head in their direction and smirked.
When we reached the front of the room, Rey grabbed me a tray. “What do you want? Chili or stew?”
I leaned in, “Chili. Did you know, when they thought I was unconscious they called me their unstoppable weapon?”
Rey tensed. “Really?”
I nodded. “Kinda spine chilling, isn’t it?” I moved away, smiling.
“Yeah,” Rey laughed uneasily, grabbing my hand while holding my food in the other, leading me towards a table. He led me to a seat and placed the food in front of me. I pretended to be feeling around for my spoon, then the bowl, once I had my spoon.
I was half way through my chili when I felt two people sit on either side of me. My hand clenched around my spoon.
“I’m not in the mood.” I ground out, my teeth clenched tightly together.
The female on my right, Kelsey, giggled. “We just want to know how the District’s favourite can keep such a title when she can’t even see her opponent.”
“I’m blind, not paralyzed. I can still fight. If you doubt my abilities and question why I’m Number 1, I’d be glad to remind you once I’m done eating.”
Kelsey thought about it. “Nah, I’m not in the mood.”
“Not in the mood to get your butt kicked? Smart, wimpy way to get out of it, though. No wonder your only Number 10, you can’t even fight a crippled person.” I laughed mockingly.
“She doesn’t have to prove herself to you.” Harley, Kelsey’s best friend sneered.
“Apparently she feels the need to. So insecure that she has to challenge a blind girl, but then backs out. Pathetic.”
I felt Rey kick me under the table, a warning that I should shut my mouth but I ignored him. I wanted to put this child in her place. She wasn’t ready for a position of power, though power was all she craved. She was only going on her first mission.
Kelsey’s fist hit the table. “That’s it. Once your done eating, I challenge you to a fight.” She stood immediately and stalked out of the room.
I laughed once she was gone. “So childish.”
Rey was looking at me like I was crazy. “Why the hell would you provoke her like that? You don’t even know how well you can fight without her without your sight.”
I sighed. “Rey, I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.” I stood, grabbing my empty tray. “Take this for me?”
Rey sighed, shaking his head, but he took my tray. “You’re the best.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled.
***
“First one to perform a successful killing blow?”
Kelsey nodded her agreement, holding out her hand. I stood waiting for a verbal agreement. Kelsey’s eyes narrowed when I didn’t move.
“Is that a yes or no? In case you forgot, I can’t exactly see you nodding or shaking your head.”
“Yes, I agree,” Kelsey snarled.
I reached out my hand and she took it with a shake.
“One the count of three,” Rey announced, acting as our ref.
The room was dead silent. The crowd of recruits that had come to watch not moving a muscle.
“One...” Both Kelsey and I crouched. “Two...” I wiggled from foot to foot. “Three!”
As soon as the number left Rey’s lip, Kelsey’s right arm snapped towards my face. I managed to duck just in time, kicking out my foot, causing her to fall.
“What the hell?” She muttered, standing up quickly.
I smirked. “If you were one of the eavesdroppers, you would have heard me tell Rey that my reflexes are faster.” I stood from my crouch, waiting for her next move.
I didn’t look down at her, instead, using my hearing to warn me of her next move. I heard a soft wisp sound of cloth brushing against the mats but didn’t move. Her hand grabbed my ankle and pulled. I stabled myself, expecting her pull. I was surprised when I barely felt the force.
I smirked at the crowd around me. “That I’m stronger.” I pulled my leg from her grasp with a speed that shocked the both of us. “And move with more speed.”
Kelsey snarled standing up. “That’s impossible.”
“Isn’t that what you’re testing right now? The improvements my new meds gave me?” I tilted my head to the side, speculatively, smirking. “You thought it would be easy to take down someone with no sight.” I laughed.
Kelsey’s lip curled over her teeth, hands clenching into fists. Her anger clouded her thought process, and she began to attack blindly.
I dodged every attack, until her energy was drained. When her body paused, chest heaving, I made my move with a strategic side kick to her chest. It knocked out the little air she had and-with my new strength-caused her to fly backwards landing hard on the tile.
Kelsey gasped when her head hit the tile. Her hand, shaking, reached to touch the back of her head and was covered red when she brought it in front of her face.
I didn’t show mercy though, I stalked towards her ready to finish this.
Kelsey trembled in fear, and she couldn’t even see the ruthlessness that was probably very clear in my eyes. Once I was before her, I dropped to the ground while swinging my arm, making the motion of killing her.
“You’re dead.”
Without a word, I left her lying on the floor, and made my way towards the room I shared with my roommate Nix.
***
“She shows very successful results, I’m pleased.” The Director said, watching Number 1 dodge and block all of Number 10’s moves with ease. “And you say she’s blind?”
Martin nodded. “Yes, though it seems the medication made up for her disability with everything else.”
“Very good, I see no reason to get rid of her when she shows these results.” The Director watched as Number 1 kicked Number 10 across the room. “Such strength, if I hadn’t known any better, I would have thought she had gotten supernatural help.”
Martin’s eyes widened as he realized what he feared was true, but quickly composed himself. He cleared his throat, “Yes, the medications are quite effective, though the only down side will be how much her body craves it. After 2 or 3 weeks, she will need another dose of it. It would become quite the annoyance.”
“You’ll have to make sure she’s kept up to date then. I can’t have my agents losing their minds over substances that are meant to make them stronger.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
The Director smiled as she saw the ruthlessness in which Number 1 stalked Number 10 and felt content with her work. At least she can feel certain that the last 18 years had not been a waste.
“Send someone to tend to Number 10’s wounds, I still wish for her to go on this mission and she needs to be in top shape.”
“Yes, I will call someone immediately,” Martin nodded to the Director before he left the room.
The Director watched his retreating form suspiciously. Her most trusted scientist was hiding something.

Edited by codetoki, 17 March 2012 - 03:20 AM.

[Xbox User]

I can read it over the weekend when I'm done with school and critique it if it hasn't already been done. Maybe Fenrir will do it because he is an excellent writer. If he doesn't then I would be happy to over the weekend.

[Fenrir2218]

2/3rds done. So far its good material but there are a lot of run on statements in the begining, there isn't a pause where there needs to be, and there can be better use of dramatic pause. Ill submit a full reveiw when I finish reading.

Good news I'm done reading it... bad news my phone won't cooperate so I can write a reveiw... so it will have to wait until I get on a computer... 5ish hours.

Edited by Fenrir2218, 24 February 2012 - 04:54 PM.

[codetoki]

thanks guys, appreciate you taking the time to read it and will welcome any comments / constructive criticism

[Fenrir2218]

thanks guys, appreciate you taking the time to read it and will welcome any comments / constructive criticism

All in all it was a good read, the material is good, the story alright. Here's an issue i have with the writing, towards the beginning especially in the action sequence there doesn't seem to be enough pauses between thoughts. Take this example:
"C’mon, move that body faster! My attacker feinted left, and tried to catch me off guard on my right, but I didn’t fall for it, instead, I used his own attack against him, slamming him to the ground making the movements for the killing blow."

​I'm not one for spelling or 100% proper grammar but when the sentences don't flow it makes it hard on the reader. Now that I've pointed this out lets attempt to remedy. commas are a useful tool in writing but attempt to keep it 1 per sentence. Just because the sentence stops doesn't mean the flow of the action does. "My attacker feinted left, and tried to catch me off guard on my right, but I didn’t fall for it." This is a good section and can make a powerful impact. If i may suggest using "trying" in place of "and tried" it helps the flow. As for tense it works because its occurring at that point in the past.
Then moving on to the next thought, "instead, I used his own attack against him, slamming him to the ground making the movements for the killing blow." this is another good and powerful section. separating these thoughts helps the flow and makes it less tiring to the reader.
Like i said above its a good story and a very good read. Keep up the good work!

-Disclaimer- I am not a professional writer/editor so my reviews and edits reflect my writing style in a sense. I am not attempting to take over any works just suggesting an alternate template that may or may not sound smoother.