8 replies to this topic

[watsu]

Hello, fellow writers! Today, I have an unfinished short story that I was writing for a contest about a year ago. The story went past the word limit though, so I stopped writing it and submitted something else. Looking back on this story, I'm really curious to know how it would've ended, but I can't remember anything specific.

 

I only have a few hints and the portion of the story that was written. If it interests you, tell me what the ending should've been for this story!

 

The only hints I have besides the actual piece are these:

 

- The document's title was Out Time. But, rather than a title, I think it was just the first few words I could think of that related to the story somehow.

- I remember thinking that I would give up on this story because it was nearing the word limit, but the actual story was only about halfway done.

- The girl and the boy would meet again at the end, although what state they'd be in, I can't exactly remember.

- My tendency for stories differ depending on my mood, but for serious-sounding stories like this, it usually ends tragically. However, I had been trying to write unexpected endings when this was written.

- The Institution's full title was related to the main point of the story.

- The second half may have spanned over a large period of time.

- Although I wrote love here, at the time, I had been more partial towards love not in a romantic light, but more like inseparable people (and not necessarily because they want to be either).

- The person the boy went off to meet at the end was some sort of historian.

 

Anyways, that's all I've got. And no, I don't believe the numbers had any real meaning to them. If you have any questions or clarifications you want made, feel free to ask.

 

***

 

Spoiler

 

The building was spotless. It was almost eerie how clean everything was. The Insitution of Defection Control and Aberrant Regulation lived up to its reputation as one of the top scientific research facilities currently in existence. No doubt this cleanliness was necessary for maintaining consistent conditions and keeping environmental variables to a minimum. Or something like that. Anyways, it was pretty cool walking through the place and seeing your reflection directly underneath you, as if a mirror world was flowing from your feet. The lights were always bright, so bright that everything looked softer and smoother.

It was afternoon and I was wandering through one of the many hallways in the Institution. There were doors everywhere, to the point that it almost felt like a maze even though the hallway was just a straight shot forward. Even though I had come here dozens of times already, I still had to look at the signs on the wall to find the room I was looking for.

"451-208," I muttered, making sure that the numbers on the sign matched. How many times had I done this? I couldn't even begin to count, but it never felt familiar. I twisted the knob and opened the door, letting myself in without even knocking.

"You didn't even knock."

"I know," I said, pulling up a chair and tossing my bag onto the ground. The girl sitting in the bed, her long brown hair standing out from her white gown, her white sheets, her white room, was glaring at me as she always did. I had an excuse for this and she knew very well what I was thinking. I had explained the idea to her many times.

"You might be changing someday and I wouldn't see a thing if I waited outside."

"That's the point!"

"That's a tragedy," I had said, shaking my head. I wondered if she actually remembered the conversation or if she was just glaring at me because she knew that I was thinking about it. I could never tell what she was thinking. She was too different from me. Girls were hard to understand.

Well, then again, people are hard to understand in general.

"Want an apple?" I said, digging into my bag. I also took out a small knife and slid off the cover. "I'll peel it for you."

"You don't even know how to peel an apple," said the girl, frowning. I shrugged and tapped the apple with the knife.

"Can't be that hard."

I'd seen it on TV. You just take the knife and slide it underneath the skin. I don't see why it's so hard. All you have to do is make sure the knife is deep enough that the skin doesn't break. I rotated the apple as I skimmed along its surface, feeling prouder and prouder as the peel slowly got longer.

Even though it was easy, I didn't feel safe having the knife so close to my hand. So, I focused all my concentration on peeling the apple, making sure I didn't lose any fingers on the way. The girl just stayed in the bed, watching me every now and then, but then laying back into her large, fluffy pillow and closing her eyes. The sun was coming into this room, so it was even brighter here than it had been in the hallway. That was good, since I could see the apple peel clearly and I didn't worry as much about chopping my hand into pieces.

"There, done."

I put the apple on her sheets and started to gather up the peel. It really was long. I almost wanted to take it home and hang it out my window.

"You suck," said the girl, holding the apple up.

"Hey, that's uncalled for. I just gave you a beautifully peeled apple."

"You just gave me the core. You cut the whole apple off with the peel!"

I took the apple from her hand and looked at it. It did seem a bit thinner than I had imagined. But no, I had peeled it perfectly. It couldn't be because of my technique. Probably this apple was just smaller than others.

"You're an idiot," said the girl, biting into the apple. She grimaced and swallowed reluctantly. "It's sour."

"That's good."

"I hate sour apples."

"Learn to like them. They're good roughage."

"What are you talking about?"

I took another apple from my bag and bit into it. I didn't really care if the peel was off or not. They say the peel is good for you; loads of fiber and stuff.

Instantly, I coughed and spat the bit of apple out of my mouth.

"Ugh! Gross! This thing's so sour!"

"Don't spit it on the floor!"

I decided that maybe today just wasn't the day for apples. I put everything away into my bag and then pushed the girl over on the bed so I could get in. It was sunny outside, but the room was always chilly.

"You're taking up too much room."

"It's so warm," I said, snuggling into the sheets. If you could bounce into a sun-kissed cloud, I think this would be what it'd feel like. The girl sighed and turned away. "Hey...uh..."

What was her name again? I never could remember. We had known each other for so long, but I still couldn't get a hold of her name. I wracked my brains to try and come up with something, but all I drew were blanks.

"What?" said the girl, her voice muffled by the pillow. Well, whatever. It's not like names were important.

"It's nice today, isn't it?"

"Then get out of here. You're bothering me."

"After I took the time to come here! I even gave you an apple!"

"It was sour," mumbled the girl. The nerve of her! So ungrateful. I really don't know why I came to visit.

"Hey, let me see your number."

"No-stop it! Don't touch me!"

But, it was too late. I had already shoved the sheets away and turned her towards me. There it was, floating above her chest. A bunch of numbers and colons.

"It's lower," I said. I had these numbers over my chest too. But unlike hers, mine were green. In fact, everyone's were green. Just hers were red.

"Of course it's lower," said the girl, pulling the sheets over her again. "Yours gets lower too."

"Yeah, you're right." Everyone's numbers were getting lower. They started from the digits on the right, then went leftwards. Down down they went. But, everyone's numbers were really high. So high that I thought they'd never go down all the way.

But hers were getting there. Hers were the numbers closest to zero in the entire world.

"I wonder what's going to happen when it hits zero," I said, laying back against the pillows. The girl tried pushing me off the bed, but I was too strong. Sighing again, she finally gave up and just bounced back onto the pillows, next to me.

"Me too," said the girl, looking up at the ceiling. "They said everyone's numbers are going to hit zero eventually."

"But you're first."

"Yeah."

"Aren't you excited?"

"Sort of. I don't know. I feel weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah..." said the girl, closing her eyes again. "Really weird."

"You are weird."

"Shut up."

I rested my head against her shoulder. She stiffened at the contact, but didn't move away.

"I think I love you," I said, closing my eyes. I could feel the heat from her skin against my cheek.

"Then stop giving me sour apples."

"No. They're good for you. I give them to you because I love you."

"Go away," said the girl, taking advantage of my lowered guard and kicking me off the bed. I landed on my side with a thump! and rolled over onto my belly.

"Ow..." I got up, rubbing the sore spot on my hip. Really, what kind of person would do that to someone who just confessed his love? Even if I had done it twenty times already.

I tried getting back into the bed, but she had the sheets clamped tight underneath her body. It didn't take me long to give up, and since I had nothing else to do, I zipped up my bag and slung it over my shoulder.

"I'm going then."

"Mmhmm." She didn't even peek at me from under the covers. I moved the chair back to the wall and went to the door.

"I'm tired today," said the girl. Her voice sounded faint, like the shadow of a breeze. "I think I'll feel better tomorrow."

My hand hovered over the knob. "Ok. I'll come back tomorrow."

"Don't bring me apples."

"I'll bring grapefruits."

"No!" The girl started coughing, shaking violently under the sheets. Sheesh, that's what she gets for not getting her Vitamin C.

"Grapefruit. You need it."

"No, I don't."

"I love you," I said, opening the door.

"...Me too." I closed the door behind me with a snap. I think that was the tenth time. She was saying it a lot more lately. I wondered if my feelings were getting through to her.

"I guess I can compromise."

Most people don't know it, but strawberries have plenty of Vitamin C too.

***

"Hello there! You're looking chipper today." A man with tufts of silver hair on his head was striding towards me, his hands nestled in the voluminous pockets of his white lab coat.

"Hi. Are you heading to 451-208?" I asked. He was the head of the Institution and the person in-charge of the girl.

"Yes. Need to hurry and conduct the check-up, I'm running late as it is," said the head.

"Late? Isn't it still sunny outside?"

"Not at all. The days are getting shorter, dear boy. It'll be dark soon."

"Oh. I didn't notice." As usual, his numbers were glowing bright green against his chest. Even though he was supposed to be older than me, his number was a lot higher than mine. I wonder if it was because he was part of the Institution. It was a scientific research facility, so he probably had a chance to mess around with his number.

"How is she doing so far?" I asked. It was pretty much the only thing we ever talked about. I suppose it was only natural that I'd get acquainted with the head, having come to the Insitution so many times already. I didn't really know what to say to someone like him; I mean, he was in-charge of the entire research facility. I always felt sort of stupid whenever we talked, even if it was about something simple like breakfast.

"Very well. There are some interesting things happening as we get closer to zero," said the head, rubbing his silver beard. "It's quite fascinating really. There's almost, what I'd like to say is, a transformation happening inside her body. Everything's going through some kind of change."

"Really?" I wondered if that meant she was going to turn into an alien or something. Well, not that I'd really mind, since I'd never met an alien before. But then again, maybe I would mind. Aliens could be gross. I really had to think about this for a bit.

"Yes, yes. Very interesting. We're making detailed observations. The first Zero of our society, quite exciting."

"Has there ever been a Zero before?" I'd asked him this many times already, but I kept forgetting the answer.

"None that I can recall. Hitting zero was a theoretical quandary, quite frustrating really. But now that we're in the Zero zone, we're starting to see all sorts of groundbreaking discoveries. Yes, yes, very remarkable."

"Is that right...?" I said, feeling my eyes wander aimlessly. Now that I had finished talking to the girl, there was no reason for me to be here. I was impatient to leave. But, as usual, the head's defenses was proving impenetrable; there was no crack to exploit.

"Why, just a few days ago, we noticed something very strange about her cellular structure. Or, rather than the structure, the cells themselves. Can you believe it? Several of them have stopped dividing. It's incredible, quite astonishing-"

I was defeated yet again. It pained me to have to surrender for the umpteenth time, but it was a pain numbed through experience. I swallowed my pride and raised my voice ever slightly:

"I'm sorry to cut you short, but I have to be somewhere-"

"Yes, yes, apologies. Didn't mean to keep you along, quite tactless of me." His tone shifted, changing from the ecstatic, almost bubbly gush into hurried, callous speech. He patted me on the shoulder and walked away, a smile that was more like a forced muscular phenomenon floating past me.

I felt a pang of regret, as I always did, upon his departure. This time, however, my heart was lightened a bit by the fact that I truly did need to be somewhere.

It was getting dark already. Like the head, I was running late.
 

Edited by watsu, 08 October 2013 - 07:14 AM.

[Viscoun]

i'm always one for the sort of dystopian / trapped-time sort of stories, so this was an interesting read. i bet it would've gotten shortlisted or even won the prize if the word limit had been higher, it's really nice reading.

 

a few ideas for the ending popped up into my head as i read it, but i can't really pin them down. they're just sort of like expected cliches or expansions into larger worlds.

 

i think the most typical ending for this story (which definitely has the potential to possibly be as long as, say, a full novella) would be some sort of "just in time" ultimatum and resolution, where the boy might rescue the girl but find the girl incapacitated or disabled or something. and they run off to a cottage in the countryside and the boy takes care of her forever. or maybe she's not disabled and they just live in peace, happily ever after.

 

but that would be a bit cheesy so maybe not.

 

if the intro were a bit longer, then i think it would be the right length for a book about a much larger world. perhaps a world beyond the confines of whatever town or city they're living in. contrary to what you said, the numbers in this case would mean everything to the story. maybe they were all test tube babies and the numbers, as suggested in the story, was a timer for growth. and at the end, the girl would stop growing. maybe that'd make her the most well-developed person of the bunch, since she has had the longest growth period but the youngest "age" for her growth. but then again, that really depends on where the numbers start from at "birth".

 

all in all, i think there are pretty much too many possibilities to think about right now (completely brain dead thanks to uni apps and stuff.) my favorite ending would be an expanded world ending where they emerge into some kind of society beyond the prison, futuristic, dystopian, autocratic, and maybe chock full of police that are out to get the "escapees". but that can come later.

 

it's an awesome story! definitely has potential.

[phanta]

Maybe they're like experiments in cloning people who have died and transplanting their consciousness into the new body, and the numbers could be counting down to the body's 'expiry date', because the body's cells are slowly degrading or mutating until they can't function anymore or something. The boy and girl could escape and set out to find out about who they used to be and live a bit before they die again, kinda like one of those bucket list movies.

Great piece of writing

[Pirateness]

I love your story! Unlike me, you transform your idea perfectly into the words, I really enjoyed reading it.

And I'd like for you to try and give us your ending once, but since you asked for ideas, here's one: Boy had to go somewhere away, and he encounters someone on his journey who reveals him that when number hits zero, person dies. He doesn't know the meaning of death so he explains it to him. Boy rushes back to the girl and stays with her until she dies. Which happens soon, because she was already almost dead when he came back. And he doesn't reveal to her what's gonna happen to her, but she realises he knows something because he gave her a sweet candy instead of sour fruit. --- Many years later, boy's number also hits zero. As he starts to lose his consciounes she appears to guide him on. 

Well, it could go even without this last part, what do you think? And I haven't come up with a good enough reason why the boy had to go away and where, I leave that to you

[watsu]

I think we're all getting closer to it. Especially Pirateness' ending reminded me more of how the story continues from this point. I believe he went and met with a historian who was researching the mysterious phenomenon of "death." I also remember the doctors getting excited over her symptoms and making lots of records of what was basically just her body failing. Pirateness' ending might actually be closest to the feel of how it would've ended, although True Cyan had an interesting alternative look on the meaning of the numbers. phanta's idea would've had the potential for a lot of interesting character development, makes me think of the manga Spirit Circle.

 

If I had to make an ending up myself right now from it, I'd focus more on the main character's mindset than any real plot developments, since my current style really likes internal turmoil. On one hand, based on recent events, he would know what "death" is and what it entails. On the other hand, it's still a relatively foreign concept, so the hard-hitting impact that "death" usually gives us wouldn't really make sense to him. Nor would it to anyone else in the story. I would probably lean more towards an ending where he struggles with whether or not she should die.(both in terms of his own feelings and the effect it'll have on humanity). Perhaps even throw in a way to save her, but that wouldn't necessarily be the final choice he takes.

Edited by watsu, 24 October 2013 - 02:45 AM.

[A.B.]

The guy was on the bed of a hospital after an accident , his heart beat almost stopping as hi life nears the end , he was spying the numbers from the heart monitor which was reflected on his doctor's glasses , red is close to stop ( also the numbers reflection of the moment count before death " minutes or seconds" ) . the girl face is the nurse's whom are trying to resuscitate him ( or maybe a girl he saved from the speeding car )
the moment he fell , is when his heart stopped momentarily
maybe the numbers on the room's door are the same of the car that hit him
the girl is an image of his life ( in the other case the girl whom he saved ) , doors are choices
the apple is sour , maybe to represent the bitterness of the situation ...
as for the gray haired man ,maybe he was death , death would always be the winner of any conversation
maybe he was his destiny , as he would also hold the key for all your questions
at the end :
( I hope I'm not intruding here ) but rather than searching for a historian , he would simply be looking for a library ( his memories whom he can't find )
he would open many doors to many empty rooms . The final room is where the grey haired man would be standing next to the girl whose numbers are closing the Zero ..
you could always devise a conversation between the two , it is up to you that's if you want to expand on it ...
however I would imagine the highlight of it being something like :
" would you like to switch numbers with her ? "
" I don't know ... "

......................................................................................................................

if you chose the first path ( the nurse being the girl ) , he would wake up finding her tending to him ....
the second path ( the girl he saved ) , he would find her sleeping next to him ...
( and if you chose the second path the conversation between him and death would also include death stating " what if I told you you already did ? "
maybe at the end right before he wakes up , the gray haired man would say something like " you know , those numbers aren't what they really seem... "
and the first thing he sees when he wakes up is his heart monitor , and he also hear the beeping sound of it , than maybe notice the girl )

...................................................................................................................

well , I gave it my best shot , I hope you like it .....

Edited by A.B., 03 November 2013 - 09:04 PM.

[Murdath]

And suddenly the universe collapses on itself ending all existence. THE END.

[watsu]

The guy was on the bed of a hospital after an accident , his heart beat almost stopping as hi life nears the end , he was spying the numbers from the heart monitor which was reflected on his doctor's glasses , red is close to stop ( also the numbers reflection of the moment count before death " minutes or seconds" ) . the girl face is the nurse's whom are trying to resuscitate him ( or maybe a girl he saved from the speeding car )
the moment he fell , is when his heart stopped momentarily
maybe the numbers on the room's door are the same of the car that hit him
the girl is an image of his life ( in the other case the girl whom he saved ) , doors are choices
the apple is sour , maybe to represent the bitterness of the situation ...
as for the gray haired man ,maybe he was death , death would always be the winner of any conversation
maybe he was his destiny , as he would also hold the key for all your questions
at the end :
( I hope I'm not intruding here ) but rather than searching for a historian , he would simply be looking for a library ( his memories whom he can't find )
he would open many doors to many empty rooms . The final room is where the grey haired man would be standing next to the girl whose numbers are closing the Zero ..
you could always devise a conversation between the two , it is up to you that's if you want to expand on it ...
however I would imagine the highlight of it being something like :
" would you like to switch numbers with her ? "
" I don't know ... "

......................................................................................................................

if you chose the first path ( the nurse being the girl ) , he would wake up finding her tending to him ....
the second path ( the girl he saved ) , he would find her sleeping next to him ...
( and if you chose the second path the conversation between him and death would also include death stating " what if I told you you already did ? "
maybe at the end right before he wakes up , the gray haired man would say something like " you know , those numbers aren't what they really seem... "
and the first thing he sees when he wakes up is his heart monitor , and he also hear the beeping sound of it , than maybe notice the girl )

...................................................................................................................

well , I gave it my best shot , I hope you like it .....

Very interesting take on the story, lots of symbolism and alternate interpretations going here. Nice and flexible.

[A.B.]

Very interesting take on the story, lots of symbolism and alternate interpretations going here. Nice and flexible.

thanks ....

this was similar to something I was thinking about but never got the chance to work on  ....

It was mostly about a prodigious artist or drawer in some art school whom lost his flair .... 

hitting a state of deep depression , his actions would repel all of his once dear friends ( or those whom he thought are , I thought of a number between 3 guys and a girl  ) ........

somewhere in the middle . a truck would be about to hit him only to run through him as he stood shocked . It was as if he was transparent ....

from here his reality would start disintegrating , and everything would begin to change ....

most of what I thought of was mere imagery . How the world would flip and he would start falling forward ( mostly a scene happening in his school which consist of adjacent buildings , where he would fly through the window only to hang into the basketball pool as he sees people walking on the surfaces  buildings rather than the ground ) . mostly windows would act as doors and doors would act as portals .

His interactions with friends would be kind of symbolic . as for the beginning they would all act friendly or trustworthy , where during the course of the story the would show their real metal . some  would switch faces _ and some even bodies _ some would change masks for their pleasure , some would deceive him and some would even attempt to get rid of him .....

( mostly the universe I planned was something like a surreal dream , where nothing would make sense . )

He , at first . wouldn't know if that was reality or that was a dream . And only when he start succumbing to the new reality . A girl he sometimes noticed watching him from afar would start appearing to him and try talking him out of his internal turmoil . his so-called friends' hatred and his internal darkness would start reflecting on The world . And the dream would begin crumbling and falling into an abyss , she would attempt to save him , maybe trying to convince him that life is worth it and deserve to be lived . and the very end she would ask him to something like " If you can't live for yourself than live life for me " 

he would start recollecting memories about who she was , about moments they spent together . She would be a classmate whom every once and a while would ask him about some drawings and for advises , he never thought that she had harbored such an amount of feelings towards him ( maybe not that much , but it is a dream in the end ) and he would recollect what happened to him ....

The truck didn't ran through him . It actually did hit him ......

And as he remembers what happened , he would wake up to find himself lying in a bed in some hospital . the girl was the only one whom kept seeing him and tending to him during his expansive coma ( somewhere between six months and a year ) .....

The ending would be a display of the future that ensues . How he would depart from his friends as he confronts them one after another ...

( one was jealous , the other's leech , the third is a liar and the forth is flat out hater ) 

How he would spend his following days with the girl _ whom stood beside him during his adversity _  

And how he reclaimed his muse and began drawing art inspired by the surreal world in which he once abode ....

and that's about it .................

I think the similarities between what this one and what I previously posted is quite evident ....

Anyway . I'm not really following through this one because I already have another story occupying my mind and consuming all my free time thinking about and working on ..... 

And . Yeah . That's about it .....