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well I have been trying to write an animesque book for a while now and I have got a basic story laid down, I wrote the first chapter which is pretty long but I would like your critique on the first chapter, I would like you guys to mainly rate 2 things
Is it hooking/interesting
is it well written/ needs improvement somewhere:
Thank you in advance for your time
I tried to follow a formula of making it 1000 words/chapter
Edit: i couldnt copy/paste but now i can so here is the version on batoto:
Chapter 1: The demon
I have always loved history. Wars, politics, and carnage: every possible mistake to be made was recorded in history, however I always hated one thing in history: lies, false information and missing knowledge. For that reason I wrote this book, this book which records every important detail of my life, the life of the HUMAN who changed this world for the better or worse. I am Mina Vi Demonica, the founder of the demonican empire and this is my story. A story filled with the truth and nothing but the truth of my life.
I lived in a village located at the outskirts of Barya, a small independent duchy who wasn’t absorbed into a nearby kingdom yet. The village of Ben Nevis was on top of a beautiful mountain. Water ran through the mountain and the grass grew on its slopes. The fields were filled with grains and vegetables. The warehouses were stocked and the village was prospering. At the age of 8 I was filled with happiness, now that I think of it, those were the only times of true happiness in my life. At the age of 10, everything changed, the kingdom of Ishtar declared war on Barya since the king’s nephew had a claim to the duchy.
When the war was declared, the villagers didn’t feel that much of fear because Ishtar was on the east of Barya, while Ben Nevis was on the other side of a mountain. It would take so much time just to reach that area. Strategically speaking, it would have been an absolute waste of time. We were a little more uneasy but we were still happy since we lived in ignorance of the future. We were never attacked by the king’s army but something way more horrifying happened. Bandits who follows no moral code or any martial laws. They took opportunity of the duchy’s weakness and raided the villages on its outskirts. Of course Ben Nevis was no exception. I still remember that day clearly, for that this was the day that changed my whole life and started a chain reaction that reformed the whole world into something new and different. I was working in the fields, helping my older brother. I went to get the seeds from my house and then went to plant them. My mother was preparing the food, it was a meat stew that was made from the cow my dad have beheaded yesterday. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to see but it was and everyday occurrence. While planting the seeds, I heard the siren. It was the siren of invaders, I didn’t recognize it since the last time it was used was 12 years ago. My brother had made a quick comment about that then he went to hide me in the barnyard. That was when I saw one of the bandits, he asked my brother were is the storage yet my brother refused to talk. The next scene was a simple one, the bandit took his sword and beheaded my brother as if it was nothing. It was the exact scene as the cow that was beheaded earlier. There was no value in their lives.
I ran away through a little hole in the back, I was afraid, sad, scared and angry. With each step I took away of the village, my mind was being consumed by anger… no it wasn’t anger, it was madness. Madness fueled my body with strength and I went into the cursed cave. It was a cave in the mountain that the simple villagers believed it would turn you into a demon. I guess they weren’t that far off. In there I didn’t become a demon, but I met one. He was sealed in that cave. He spoke in an enticing voice:” Kid, I see great Hatred within your eyes, you crave for destruction, destruction of humans who wronged you. Free me and I shall deliver the punishment upon those vile creatures.” I refused his offer:” Hahahaha, demon you offer to kill my enemies, I don’t want you to kill them, I want my enemies erased without any proof of their existence. I want to do the job myself, I want to eliminate the fiends myself and watch them in agony and despair” The demon smiled, his smile was so wicked that even I had chills back then from it, but I didn’t back down. He responded:” I shall renew my offer, boy, I shall give you knowledge of the ultimate magic which destroyed civilisations before, magic that was used to change how the world was supposed to function for freeing me. Boy, with that magic you will lose part of your humanity, you shall walk on earth as a monster in a human clothing.” I had disregarded the demon’s warning thinking he didn’t want me to possess the ultimate power. I quickly accepted his deal and knowledge started to flow within my head. My head felt like exploding with all that information in the same time. There were so many words such as atoms, molecules and elements. There were also words about chemical and physical reactions. I don’t know how advanced will the understanding of atoms be in the time this book will be found but to sum it up: everything that exists on earth is made of small things that can be called particles. Those particles are what everything together in place.
When I returned to my village, the pillagers were still there, though everyone else in the village was pretty much dead. I came slowly and smiled at them, one of those scums said that someone forgot to kill a little kid. He took his sword and attacked me. I used my hand to block his sword, and using the new magical knowledge of mine I disintegrated his sword into thin air. However, the disintegration didn’t stop at the sword since the bandit’s hand started disappearing as well into thin air. His screams were a melody to my ear. Other bandits came and attacked, but I released my magic to its full extent. There was no village, no bandits, no corpses. Only nothingness remained
