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Flashfics [by Miko]

fiction flash fiction speculative fiction

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#1
Mikofly

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Title: Bargaining

Genre: Supernatural

Word count: 712

 

Spoiler

 

~ END 

 

Constructive Critiques are welcome! :)


Edited by Mikofly, 26 March 2016 - 02:08 AM.

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I wander. I wonder. What do I hope to find?


#2
OchaMeido❣

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o.o so this is a flashback of some sorted since you're using past-tense on everything.... 

 

 The fact was Beakman never denied being one of those strange things that were always out to get her just for knowing they were there.

Beakman had noticed her and her penchant for attracting strange things, thereby needing to be rescued from them.

^ both sentences seems strange and confusing ... though I understand what you are tryin to say.

 

@-@ i dont know how to say it ...some words dont fit right. O.o


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#3
Mikofly

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Thanks for the feedback, Naizumi! :D

 

I'll try to tweak those sentences a bit to make them less awkward sounding.


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#4
Emerald39

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It's a nice story, but there's some punctuation errors and some clumsy imagery. For example, take this paragraph: 

 

The only form she'd ever seen him take was of a man's body with a bird's black beak and eyes. He reminded her of a heron, maybe a giant heron in a penguin suit. It wasn't just his inhuman freakishness that unsettled her. The guy was an arrogant creep; from his beady little eyes right down to his sharp little toes.

 

If I could suggest a better way to phrase what you mean in this paragraph, it would be like this: 

 

The only form she'd seen him take was of a man's body with a bird's black beak and eyes; like a heron, a giant heron in a penguin suit. It wasn't just his inhuman freakishness that unsettled her: the guy was an arrogant creep, from his beady little eyes to his sharp little toes. 

 

Also, if you consider the sentences that Naizumi mentioned, the descriptions are rather clumsy. 

 

I realise I may be intruding on your deliberate word choices and descriptions, and if so I apologise; but that's just my suggestions. 



#5
Mikofly

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Thanks Emerald39! 

 

This gives me a good place to start revising this piece.


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I wander. I wonder. What do I hope to find?