19 replies to this topic

[elixer]

Some people just can't do it. They can't lie. Thay can rob a bank, but they can't frame you for it. They can kill your pet fish, steal your car, pull your hair out, take a poopoo on the toilet seat and not flush, but they can't lie about it. They are just horrible liars. "I thought you hated fish" "Your car looked sick so I was gonna take it to the shop" "you had a piece of rice in your hair" (no excuse for the poopoo one... still dont know who did it.....)

What horrible lies have you heard, or even said? I wanna know. For later uses of course.

[Inys]

I told a teacher that the paper I had been working on fell to the river

[elixer]

In 2nd grade we had a giant container full of recess snacks. I had picked up the bad habit of stealing 5-8 snacks after making sure I was the only and last person in the classroom so I could eat them on the bus + save them in a drawer to "eat later" i.e save for the next 5 years or until they rot

Once, I had just finished stashing the goods in my red jacket and was leaving the classroom. Lo and behold Mrs.B and her super hot and stunning 20 something year old son are walking to the classroom. I get so shocked I spill the snacks. Mrs.B asks what the loving flubberbutt am I doing. I say 'I..I-I Oh I dont I my dad gave these to me"

- My dad came to school and gave me snacks to take home
- The snacks are all the same from the snack bucket in the classroom that I just left
- I didn't even have a dad in 2nd grade

[Kannade]

I'm straight trash at lying, for sure the worst liar on the entire planet. So one friend had just arrived & another friend was coming over to join us but he was running a little late. I flipped on the TV to kill some time and it happened to be on MTV b/c the last thing I watched was the VMAs. lowkey, even though I get free cable I pretty much never watch tv. So the friend that was already there was like "WTF are we watching? " and I just told him the truth,"idk I never watch MTV so I don't even know what show this is ".

 

Then as soon as the other friend arrived and saw that we were watching TV, he was like "Hey, it must be nice to get free cable, what do you usually watch kannade? " I don't even know why my dumb ass said it, but I just straight up lied and said "yeah this shit is great, I watch MTV all the time " without even turning on any of my brain cells. like it just came out on it own . My other friend was just looking at me like "Huh??? " and I just looked back at him like . I honestly just wanted to throw my tv away as soon as they left.

[elixer]

When sims 3 came out I brought it to my younger cousin's house to play with him but I wanted to make my sim and her husband have sex so they could have the babies so when I clicked "make woohoo" he said "doesn't that mean they're gonna have sex" (we were like 9 and 12 or something) I said no they're just going to make bird sounds thats what woohoo means *cue yodoling and bird imitation noises* "like that" but then he pressed 'zoom in on my sim' and we saw the sims crawl out of the bed

[Inys]

When I was a kid I was pretty much the only one in my class who didn't know what sex was or how people got pregnant, so in a bio classour teacher started talking about it as if we already knew what it was but without mentioning. Later when people started talking about it I didn't want to be that one guy who didn't understand anything of what the teacher told us, so I decided to bullshit my way through sex conversations until I got home so I could ask mom. I said so much retarded shit that everyone noticed I had no idea what I was talking about .-.

[Kannade]

When I was a kid (like 4th or 5th grade) I got in trouble with my dad for always looking at porn and infecting the computer w/ viruses. So one day he moved my computer downstairs to the kitchen/living room (they're connected like there's no wall to separate them) so my mom could supervise me. uh obviously I didn't give a flying fuck about my mom being in the god damn room and I just looked real quick when she wasn't looking #ninjashit #numberonepervertkid #comejudgemeyoushits #fuckyall #brrrrap. So anyway, the next week my dad was checking the computer and he yelled at me to "come downstairs and look at the fucking computer." As soon as I got there, I pretended to be stupid like "what's the matter dad? " and he was like "WERE YOU LOOKING AT PORN AGAIN? " and I was like ".....no. you can look at the history " cause I thought I was slick AF since I already knew to delete all my history shit before shutting down every night. So then my dad hovered his mouse over the taskbar to make it pop up and he maximized all the fucking porn ads that popped up as soon as he turned on the computer because it was infected with a gorillion viruses again and he was like "THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE KANNADE???? " and suddenly my life was like that corny ass goofy picture

 

Edited by Kannade, 31 May 2015 - 10:49 AM.

[elixer]

HOLY LOVING POOPOO HOW COULD I FORGET THIS GIANT ASS LIE ok so in 2nd grade my then best friend told me her dad was numerous things. I never believed them especially because this girl would also claim 8% irish 2/5th peruvian 180% spanish and all this other ethnic hubbalubba that just sounded fake as heck including how her dad was actually superman.

But this one story just took it to a whole nother level of mythomania. She told me that her dad invented pikachu.



The apparent story was that while her dad was in college, he was in the library just drawing up random crap and drew pikachu. He left the paper on the table as a piece kf scrap, coincidently where a coincidently random japanese lady coincidently also works for nintendo and coincidently knows the guys creating pokemon and coincidently pitches the idea for pikachu while claiming the drawing as hers and coincidently it becomes a hit and finally, coincidently, all of this information relays its way back to her dad who had moved many states away from his university by then and their entire family acted like the story was true.

I just...

I'd have an easier time believing charlamagne ISN'T bleaching than another story like that

Also in middle school I told my friends you have to blow up a condom before having sex because I saw it in a movie but really it was a shitty anime ha got eem

Edited by elixer, 25 January 2017 - 01:09 AM.

[Inys]

I told a guy that the first time you got a bj the shape of your dick changed a bit

[Lalbutt]

^Odi speaks from experience 

 

Let that count as the worst lie I've ever told

[elixer]

My mom lied to me for over 13 years she never smoked a cigg, even though I asked her just about every year since the incident if she had because I remembr her and my aunts and uncles out on the back patio during a bbq and she smoked one right there in front of me. When she finally cracked she said it's because when I was younger I wouldn't understand why she would do something declared as bad.

My cousin was a stupid heaux when we were kids (still is) and we were playing bratz when she started getting whiny about something, causing her to tell on me to her older sister babysitting us that I peed in a cup used to rinse moiths in the bathroom. This was true, however, before I could recieve punishment I counterattacked that dimwit and told her sister that she's been telling everyone that 'bev cuts holes in her underwear'. She still got mad even though I failed at lying because it's true there were holes in her panties but not because she cut them and my heaux cousin only told me. I guess pissing in a cup is grounds for worse punishment though rme

[2hot4you]

told my mom i was genuinely happy #emokid #edgy

[Lalbutt]

my sister told me grapes were eagle eyes and eggplants were rat corpses

[elixer]

Told my mom i did my homework when my grades told another story

In 5th grade the pikachu girl told me what humping was and that onky kangroos can do it

my sister told me grapes were eagle eyes and eggplants were rat corpses

The aggplant part is true.

[Lalbutt]

NOOOOOOOO

[elixer]

One time my heuax cousin came over to my house from seattle usa and she gave me a cute shirt to keep because she thought it was ugly. I say thanks and 30 mins later she comes into my room and says she changed her mind and is taking the shirt back. I tell her that's not how gifts work and she says 'yes it is I gave it to you so technically it's still mine because I can take it back from you if I do it in the timelimit' i say there is no timelimit and she's dumb and she says she will fight me for it and her mom confirmed this is how gifts work.

When my heaux cousin was younger her dad told her beer is made out of smashed rotton old grapes and horse pee and I believed her when she told me so when my class got to the alcohol and drugs unit I asked why they use those ingredients and got told for asking stupid questions by my health teacher.

[Inys]

my mom told me that there were two kinds of people in this world and that we were the kind of people who couldn't buy the first digimon season dvds cause it was an odd number

[pizhhh]

For a couple of years, back when I was still a kid, I had to keep up the lie that my mom was not seeing anyone to my dad. I had to hide that mom was practically already living together with my little brother's father. Pops eventually learned of it from another source. I kinduv get a bit scared whenever he gets drunk, but that time was different. It was the first and only time I've seen him tear up.

[Linkd]

I managed to convince someone I was 2 years older than I actually was for about a year, it was hilarious, so when I was a "senior" and she was a freshman, and it was you know the day before graduation, she was all crying and stuff, and then asked where the balloon was.  (seniors get balloons yes) And then I told her I was actually a sophmore she flipped out so hard, punched me in the stomach and told me not to lie to her cause she's sentimental.  Oh I was laughing so hard the moment I turned around.  Yea, I can hold a facade up pretty well. I think I'm a pretty good liar too, as long as I can keep a straight face no one can tell xD

 

Edit:  Not the worst lie, because unless I'm having fun, I won't say a lie, not even to help out a bro. I call it like I see it

Edited by Linkd, 31 May 2015 - 05:59 PM.