3 replies to this topic

[truepurple]

I was going to post this in comments, and wrote up a bunch. But then I thought better to make my own thread, and in the process accidentally lost what I wrote. *sigh*

 

This story need some exposition. I don't follow any of what is going on in it. You are throwing a great deal of different things at us and not explaining any of it. Sure over exposition can suffocate a story a bit, but lack of any at all can lead to a confusing mess, especially when done like this. Some guy is fighting some other people, we don't know who any of them are or what any of them are trying to accomplish, or anything about the world they are in. Or anything at all. I mean even the fighting bits, which seem to take up most of the comic, are confusing sometimes I am like "ok some kind of move happened somehow, and now blood is raining- what? how? the hell?"  You seem to go for mysterious and got confusing instead.

 

And your effort to force "bass ass" and "cool" into the story feels just that, forced. It makes me think a young kid made the story.

 

Similarly lines like "what's this fugga goin' on abou' now" are nearly painful to read, yet sufficiently confusing enough that I had to read it a second time to grasp its meaning. I suppose it fits with the even more painful "we just got double fucked dawgs" which I suppose fits this random character we know nothing about, (because like I mentioned, we don't know anything.)

 

Then there's this line "Has the man ale'rdy lost his ballz?!!!" I guess the three exclamation marks mean its triply important or emotional or something, yet I don't know what is being said here, at all. (yes I realize it's "already" and figured balls means testicles, based on the other crude language, but that doesn't explain anything)

Edited by truepurple, 19 April 2013 - 04:48 AM.

[ujrkingdom]

I was trying to toss in a bunch of characters and elements into the story and have them all converge near the end of the chapter (like in Baccano!). The parts with the black slang (which i admit does seem forced) was supposed to emphasize the way that specific character in the blue armor talks i guess (that part when he "has the man ale'rdy lost his balls?!!!!" was supposed to be like saying "has this guy already lost his guts to fight," guess it distorted the meaning a lot.) Obviously more will be revealed along the way. I can't at this moment upload the complete chapter at once because it would take me at least 2 more months or so to finish. However, once the first chapter is complete, most of the terms and characters should make sense. I'll try to transition things better in the next strips. Thanks for the criticism, i was getting a little worried that nobody was actually reading it for the story.

[truepurple]

So this lacky, is openly criticizing his/her boss(that being the person who doesn't have the guts to fight?) , the one who clearly cares nothing about the lives of said lacky's (and might kill em for talking back like that) It doesn't really fit/make sense. Also, seems a bit premature to talk about lacking the guts to fight when its just one battle he wants them to back off of. Also, why would a lacky whos either getting paid or forced to work for this boss, want to rush into a battle against a powerful opponent who turns lackies like them into blood rain? Ze should be happy to not have to do battle and lose life.

 

One should have have to read a whole chapter before learning stuff that would just force one to go back to the beginning anyway to make sense of it all. I mean if it is explained at/near the end of the chapter, maybe you should start there, and flashback. Your not really emphasizing characters and elements if the don't make sense due to a lack of explanation?

 

BTW, did you read my comment post about how the chapters have been uploaded wrong somehow?

Edited by truepurple, 20 April 2013 - 03:36 AM.

[ujrkingdom]

Yes i figured out what the problem was but instead of uploading everything again by strips, i decided to put it all into one segment so everything is there within the the one chapter that is currently displayed.