11 replies to this topic

[ThiZer0]

Hello i am ThiZ.. And I would like your opinion about this Manga.. If you do this you help us with providing you a better manga!! Ty.

[seldi behari]

as the artist and author i say that it had some mistakes.. i will get better and thats a promise

[truepurple]

Art: Serviceable.  One of the biggest issues I can point out is that you seem to have lots of trouble with heads and chins. You make the heads too long and chins like points. Your hand is not very steady either, and there is alot of wiggle in your lines. But I assume that will improve with experience.

 

There are many grammar and spelling issues, at a minimal, 14 major ones in the first chapter alone. You need a native english proof reader to vet these out and fix them. A spell check could help you with many of the spellings, but you still need the proof reader. Thankfully with most of the errors, one can figure out the meaning anyway. This is one exception http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/5  What does "sparked a guy to death" mean? I've never heard of someone killed with static electricity, and I really doubt that is what you mean, but I can't figure out what you meant to say. "because he contradicted on him" is an example of one of those grammar issues that you can figure out the meaning, but it's not pleasant to read such bad grammar.  In this example, simply removing the "on" would make a big difference.

 

The bit at the end of chapter one where you explain your story about how you started all this, beyond spelling and grammar, is a wall of text (meaning no paragraph spacing, so that it all seems to blend into one giant block) with poorly defined sentences, very difficult to read. 

 

Now to the story-

http://vatoto.com/read/_/166192/bloody-ro se_ch1v2_by_no-gr oup/8

I would recommend nixing/getting ride of that black box of dark foreshadowing, or at least move it to the end, after all the tragedy in town happens. And talking about the character possibly becoming a king because of a tragic past is a bit silly. If in your story there is the potential for the character to become a king because of a tragic paste, just show us, don't tell us of the (at face value, silly) possibility before hand.

 

Why would he forget his child hood friend that is a girl, just because of a bit of tragedy, or even a bunch of tragedy? He even went as far as to carry her at great effort, and before that was dragging her along, like he wanted her with him. After losing everyone else in his life, most anyone would want to go back to the one person left. 

 

After all this, the marauder refuses to kill a kid based on honor? And what, is this the only kid in the whole village? (other then the female friend)

 

This whole tragic past setup is like many a story or video game start setup, except even more melodramatic. And of course the two people living just to save him or give him a message/rose. And that guy by the tree getting killed just as the boy kills his killer, rather absurd (and the drawing of how it was suppose to work, seems to make it even more incredulous/hard to believe)

 

His fathers dying, but he gives his son a rose? What he carries this rose around on him? Always careful not to crush it?

The father:

I must carry this precious rose with me. Someday possibly I might be killed in a horrible way, and I will need to be able to hand it to my son as a memento of a story with a ambiguous lesson so that he can carry it around as a memento of a tragic past and use it as a excuse for a poisonous vendetta against a unknown assailant who will spare his life so that my son can perchance kill him latter on.

 

I must say this father really planned this out, well except for the part where everyone else gets slaughtered. Or maybe he hated them all anyway, even his wife, and wanted to raise a son with a mission of revenge, it isn't a dream all fathers can say they have.

 

And this must be one hell of a magic rose, never seems to wilt or anything. if it were a properly dried rose, A. it would be very fragile, and such a careless guy would already have damaged it. B. the leaves would not be so perky as though it were the first day it was picked, with leaves sticking out like that. And if it weren't properly dried, it would simply fall apart and rote in the span of years of time. Perhaps if it were a artificial rose instead, but made of what? Seems like it's settings preclude the likes of plastic etc. maybe metal?, paper would be too fragile, cloth wouldn't be as stiff/perky as it is shown.

Edited by truepurple, 17 May 2013 - 10:58 PM.

[seldi behari]

thanks for all your precious thoughts i respect you spend so much time for our comic writing all this paragraph... you could be less ironic on that point you say about the rose... but ok .. that leads that you have problem even with luffy's hat (one piece) that he is wearing it for 14 years  and it has just some little scratches , crossing all those big fights... and maybe this rose is kind of special   in the 1st chapter it has many grammar mistakes, it was the first time i was uploading a manga and as it was natural we made some mistakes in the 2nd chapter i dont see any problem on grammar or spellin' issues .. and i think contradict ON someone is much better  than contradict someone .. i said too much .. as for my hero (Yoshi) he decided to turn himself and be alone.. as for the art ... some people have the money for drawing lessons better supllies or everything.. and some people use an ironing board for desk, but even though you can see a huge difference in 1st ans 2nd chapter talking about the art level  .... so sorry about all that wrinkling lines .. i want to thank you one more time for your reply i respect all the people who read this

Edited by seldi behari, 18 May 2013 - 08:34 AM.

[truepurple]

Don't compare your comic with one piece, just about everything in one piece is absurdly over the top all the time, that is clearly not your comic. And a straw hat that never breaks (or perhaps he replaces it ever so often off screen) is still nothing compared to the many issues with that rose. The whole rose thing seems to be unnaturally forced in there.

 

i think contradict ON someone is much better  than contradict someone

 

Trust me, no native english speaker would say it like that, it's very unnatural to a native english speaker.  The only possible exception is if there was a specific plan or something where a person was let down. Something like 'he was suppose to agree with that person, but he went and contradicted him on me.' 

 

Grammar issues in chapter 2

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/5

"Did you heard?"

"Have you heard?" 

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/6

"Stealing to to survive makes you lose your target" 

objective or goal

 

"How can someone survive without so" 

Perhaps "doing so" but even better "stealing" would be the most direct method.

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/8

"I think someone got in big trouble guys"

Perhaps "I see someone who is in big trouble" or "I see some trouble coming" depending on what you are trying to say.

 

"license for the weapon also"

"as well" (minor quibble here, but I do think "as well" is a definite improvement.)

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/9

 

"damned it started bleeding"

"damn, it started bleeding" or even better "damn, it's bleeding" 'started' seems to be redundant.

 

"dump heads"

The curse/insult is "shit heads" 

 

Throwing rocks in from a safe position, laughing at me with his two shit heads beside him lackeys (your way isn't inaccurate, I just think it reads better as lackey) , thinking like he someone he is someone special. (huh, nice guy) (this could just be dropped, the thought speak sarcasm doesn't really serve a purpose)

 

"This type of human person irritates me the most" In english, it is typical not to refer to other people as human unless you feel you are not or are talking about something specific to the species (like, human cloning, etc) human isn't inaccurate, but it isn't typical of what a native speaker would likely say.

 

 

"Their lives hold no meaning so they should be dead better"  and are better off dead.

 

Such individuals with their meaningless lives are better off dead. The first part could use some improvement, but the second part is definitely bad grammar.

 

I have never seen such a coward for so long (just chop off that last bit and it works fine otherwise you could say "I can't remember the last time I have seen such a coward" etc.)

 

"What a shame for him carrying a sword" (this just reads wrong, but it is hard to put a finger on it exactly)

 

to see such a coward carrying a sword. (perhaps)

 

OK, I am not going to point out every grammar error, especially if I don't even know if you will change it or avoid them in the future. You need to learn to use commas etc too, punctuation matters in english, and can even change the meaning of a sentence by changing its punctuation.

 

On to spelling

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/11

 

A typo- "trush", I assume you meant trash.

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/12

 

Cheaf I bet you meant chief 

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/13

 

Already is spelled with one L, not two. 

 

http://vatoto.com/read/_/170875/bloody-rose_v1_ch2_by_no-group/16

"Stut up your moth" I assume you mean shut up. 

While I am here, might as well comment on grammar too, "Shut your mouth", or "shut up", both work. But "shut up your mouth", does not.(maybe technically not inaccurate, but it doesn't sound/read right)

 

OK, I am done looking for misspellings. It is true the spelling isn't as bad as the first chapter, but it was horrible in the first chapter. 

 

Again, you need a native english speaker proof reader to find and fix these problems before releasing. And you should fix up and rerelease chapters 1 and 2.

 

Also, you didn't respond at all to some of my story specific feed-backs.

Edited by truepurple, 18 May 2013 - 02:13 PM.

[seldi behari]

i dont have time to answer all that questions..... i compare my comic with all the others i dont get the point on telling us our mistakes in that way.... we knew we have some mistakes but we are not professionals. we do it because we LOVE it like it or not ! we express ourselfs and we feel happy about that .... so if you dont like it ok tell us your thougts but dont speak in that way..... have a nice day if you dont like it turn the page .. and all your problems will be solve

[truepurple]

i dont have time to answer all that questions..

 

What questions? I didn't have a bunch of questions for you, or even barely any at all.

 

I thought you wanted feedback to improve your comic, if you "LOVE it", then that would especially indicate a desire to improve your content. But now you get touchy and defensive rather then absorbing any of the feedback, as though you didn't want to improve it. 

 

I spent a bunch of time trying to help you out and you just give me attitude. I don't get why you made this thread if you're going to be like this. And don't believe you will get better with this kind of attitude either, that is impossible with a reject all constructive criticisms attitude.

 

You say "some mistakes" that which I pointed out was only a small part of the iceberg. You made many  mistakes.(and it is clear that your need more work on english) Which wouldn't be a problem if you worked to correct them, which apparently you are unwilling to do.

 

So farewell, no thanks for making my time spent wasted. Good luck with your mediocre material that is limited in its improvement capacity.

Edited by truepurple, 18 May 2013 - 07:53 PM.

[seldi behari]

judging someone ,talking to him in a ironic way (im talkin about the point you're talking about the story)  doesnt make him better.. i told you and i have made a comment before you start texting all these letters  that i know i have a lot of mistakes , i will try harder  and when i will have some time i will corect all my mistakes but dont have anybody that speaks the native english language and no money to pay someone do that, if you want you can help me ! ... i told you thank you for your thoughts .... if i love it or not is not your  business its only my business .... you are not in my shoes !! im open in every idea and every opinion , but not in that way you were talking about some things you didnt understand about the story.. talkin about the grammar i like it so much that you spend alla that time for me ... and yes you made questions ... llike why that guy didnt kill my hero ? (yoshi) based on a honor  and im telling you tha you forgot that a little bit earlier some other guys attacked at Yoshi.... that leads us  that, the members of that society or gang wich attacked that village   didnt have the same lifestyle or honor... ..  you started the critisism about the rose like why the rose is the in the same condition like 8 years before ... and i told you that you dont know if that rose is special or not..... so you have to wait the next episodes... altough i told you once and twice thank you for your time and  i appreciate spending it for my comic.... so to end with all this... its your right as a reader to express what you did like or didnt like and it would made me  so  happy from you continue doing it .. ....  thank you once again , with all the respect

Edited by seldi behari, 19 May 2013 - 08:54 AM.

[truepurple]

 was natural we made some mistakes in the 2nd chapter i dont see any problem on grammar or spellin' issues

 

So I pointed out a bunch to you. Instead of being grateful and correcting them, you complained.  

 

 so if you dont like it ok tell us your thougts but dont speak in that way..... have a nice day if you dont like it turn the page .. and all your problems will be solve 

 

 

There are people who volunteer for such tasks if asked, but you have yet to ask, and if you get defensive,(like you did above) then you spit on their work.

 

 yes you made questions ... llike why that guy didnt kill my hero ? (yoshi) based on a honor  and im telling you tha you forgot that a little bit earlier some other guys attacked at Yoshi.

 

Sorry, I should have anticipated that with your poor english skills you would misunderstand. I wasn't asking as much as pointing out a flaw in the plot. Not everything ending in a question mark is a question meant to be answered. Even if it were otherwise, there wasn't that many sentences ending in question marks that it would be anything like impossible to answer them all.

 

 

BTW, it should be "attacked yoshi", not "attacked at yoshi", you seem to have a tendency to insert unnecessary words.

 

As far as the rose goes, I patiently showed you the flaws in the whole storyline with it. You might call it "ironic" the way I did it, but what I actually did was just filled out the whole bit with the rose with a explanation that makes the most sense. The most sense, being not making any kind of sense at all. I did it this way to spare your feelings, so that you could see for yourself and not have to take my word for it. But fine, I will be frank, the rose bit is nonsense forced in there, probably to fit the name bloody rose, a theme of kindness and harshness in unison and contrast. Just like you forcefully injected the tragic past of revenge, sadness, and regret. You aren't letting the story flow at all, but forcing it down a particular path you want with a metaphorical bulldozer. Glaring inconsistencies and readers who can't but help see the heavy god hand of the author at work are just two of the results.

 

And yes, you did thank me, yet you weren't willing to talk about the particulars of what I mentioned. You seem to have this attitude where you basically say 'Thankyou very much for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Now excuse me while I ignore everything you said and do it all my own way anyway' Which strikes me as a very hollow "thank you"

 

Notice how you didn't even use paragraph spacing in that last post of yours(like I suggested you do earlier) Is the enter key broken on your keyboard?

[seldi behari]

Notice how you didn't even use paragraph spacing in that last post of yours(like I suggested you do earlier) Is the enter key broken on your keyboard?

maybe it is who knows... man you still keep  the ironic style and i dont know why

 

i didnt complained for nothing of your pointings and thoughts.. i just didnt like tha way you were talking

 sure i will correct all my mistakes but im not the person who write in the bubbles and upload this so it will take some time because the other person is my friend who lives in an other country .. so it cant be corrected in one day

and if i didnt tell you that i would do , that doesnt mean that i ignored you

 

its true im not so good in english as you but at least im speaking tou you kindly ..

i dont use the english laungauge in my everyday life like you so its natural!!

 

im not defensive as you can see i started using the enter button..

i told you turn the page.. because... you wont help anybody talkin to him ironically and turn him mad.. you dont even know me

im not your friend and you cant speak to me in that way

tell me everything about my comic what you like or not ... what you think its wrong ,

you can even tell me that my work sucks man .. tell anything of your thoughts about that comic but, you cant make critisism ... you are not batoto's judger

Edited by seldi behari, 19 May 2013 - 05:05 PM.

[truepurple]

I do not understand what you are complaining about. I didn't speak to you in any way that warrants complaint or getting mad.

 

tell anything of your thoughts about that comic but, you cant make critisism

 

Criticisms are negative thoughts on something. So you only want to hear positive thoughts on the comic? It sounds like you are saying you only want to be praised.

Edited by truepurple, 19 May 2013 - 07:32 PM.

[seldi behari]

yeah ok you got it